I haven't been shy when it comes to talking about my anxiety on this blog. It's a problem that I deal with every day and I've been working for years to try to overcome it. And for the first time in my life, I feel like I have somewhat of a handle on it. That's not to say that it's gone because it isn't. But I feel like I'm moving in the right direction and learning how to silence its voice.
My mother said to me earlier today that I sound a lot calmer than I used to and to be honest, I feel a lot calmer, too. My recent therapy sessions have helped me immensely but to be honest, I credit a lot of my progress to my son. A few weeks after I had him, I developed post partum depression. It only lasted a few weeks and it didn't progress as much as it does for some women (thankfully). But during the first few months of my son's life, I didn't get to experience the constant joy and euphoria that women often describe after giving birth. I loved my son and I loved being with him. I was so happy to have him and so happy to be his mother. But I couldn't shake the feelings of sadness, hopelessness and shame that I felt.
During many of his naps, I would sob and berate myself for not "snapping out of it". I was in a rut and over time, those feelings subsided. At first, I was embarrassed for being so emotional and eventually that turned into sadness because I realized how many moments of happiness that depression took from me. Now, when I look back on my son's first few months, I won't only remember his first smile or first laugh. I'll remember the sadness that consumed me, as well as the joy.
Once I recovered and realized just what was taken from me, I realized that I also didn't want anxiety to take anything else from me. Anxiety has caused me so much heartache over the years and I've lost countless hours of my life worrying about things that never happened. Having my son has shown me not only how beautiful life is but how quickly it goes by. And even though I've always wanted to get rid of my anxiety, I've never wanted it more. When I look back on his childhood, I don't want to remember panic attacks and endless worrying. I want to remember being present in every moment and letting go of any needless worries. I want to remember happiness, not anxiety. So I'm not only doing this for me. I'm doing this for my son, too.
That's not to say that it will be easy but I'll take it one step at a time. I believe that it's possible to live in a world where anxiety isn't pulling my puppet strings. I once told my therapist that I feel like anxiety is holding me prisoner in my own mind. She told me, "Chelsea, you might be in a prison. But you're not the prisoner. You're the warden and you have the key. You have the power to unlock the door and let yourself out." Those words have stuck with me and every day, as I work harder on conquering my anxiety, I get one step closer to the door.
Whenever I feel like my anxiety is forcing me to do something that I don't want to do, my mother asks me, "Don't you just want to be happy?" It's amazing how simple statements can have a profound impact on you. I do want to be happy. I really do. And my anxiety not only hasn't allowed me to be happy but it's told me that I don't deserve to be happy. But that's not true. I do, just as much as anyone else. I realize that anxiety can be crippling and at times and you might feel the weight of the world on your shoulders. But I promise you, you have the strength inside of you to come out on top. Therapy has helped me immensely. It's given me the tools to fight back, when before I was unarmed. The journey doesn't happen overnight and I'm still on it. But when the destination is happiness and a life without anxiety, it is worth every second.
My anxiety has been with me for so long that it almost feels like it's just part of my personality. I often have to remind myself that it's not. It's not part of me; it's just something that I live with. During this past year, I've really come to know and love myself. And one thing that I've learned is that I'm not my anxiety and my anxiety doesn't define me. I have so much life ahead of me and the knowledge that anxiety doesn't have to be a part of it is comforting and freeing. And I can't wait to see who I become without it. One day, when someone asks how I'm doing, I'll be able to say "happy" instead of "anxious" and that knowledge keeps me going.
