During my therapy session 2 days ago, I discussed my people-pleasing nature. I told my therapist that I often get physically sick because of how much I let people cross my boundaries. I let people walk all over me like a literal doormat because I don’t want anyone to be unhappy with me, at the cost of my own mental health. I hate doing it but I can’t seem to stop. And she said to me, “Chelsea, you describe yourself as a people-pleaser but you’re forgetting that you’re a person too. You have to make yourself happy. You don’t owe that to anyone else.”
I’m a person, too.
That simple sentence seemed so revolutionary. Why hadn’t I ever thought about it like that before? Is it because I see myself as less valuable than other people? Is it because when I was a child I repeatedly heard the phrase “I own you”, which made me then view myself as a piece of property? Why do I feel like it's my job to keep those around me happy? Why do I put a smile on my face when all I want to do is cry or scream?
Maybe I’ll never know. But what truly matters is that she was right. I haven’t been viewing myself as a person, much less a person whose opinions, desires and thoughts matter just as much as anyone else’s. No wonder I’m always struggling mentally. I have everything that I’ve ever wanted, a beautiful home, a husband, a wonderful child and a published book. But for some reason, I still lack the confidence and the ability to put up boundaries to protect myself from people that could harm me with their toxicity.
I've often told myself that I put walls up around my heart to protect myself and my space. But as soon as someone would start to cross a boundary, they’d discover that those walls were paper thin. It took minimal effort to tear them down. And then I would resent myself for making the same mistakes again because I knew better. I knew that these people were bad for me. I knew that they'd cross my boundaries without a second thought. They weren't bad people but they were bad for me. But I would swallow it down again and again because I didn't want to I inconvenience anyone else.
I wasn’t giving myself half of the common decency and respect that I was giving others. I wasn’t viewing myself as a person. I made myself fit the mold of whatever anyone else wanted me to be. And in that process, I lost myself. I knew who I wanted to be but I never felt like I could actually become that version of myself.
The truth is that I've always been that person. She's always been there inside of me. I just wasn’t allowing her to come out. I felt like the people in my life weren’t allowing me to be her and for some reason, I thought that I needed their permission. But now I know that isn’t true. I'm a person too and the only person that I truly need to please is myself.
-Chelsea
