Black Roses

I've always been the type of person that gave people multiple chances, even when they didn't deserve them. I was so loyal to them that I'd find a reason to let them stick around. That, coupled with a very low self-esteem that made me want to hold onto all of my relationships, has caused me to stay in very toxic relationships and friendships for far too long. I'd find excuses for their behavior. I worked so hard trying to find a reason to keep their friendship that I ended up working harder than they did to deserve being in my life. And now I'm finally saying that enough is enough.

It's not enough that I've forced myself to stay in these toxic relationships. I think society/the outside world definitely plays a part in it as well. They say things like, "You can't cut your cousin out of your life. They're your family. They're your blood." Or, "You can't cut your best friend loose. You've been friends with them for 10 years. Doesn't that mean something?"

And I'll tell you, of course it means something. But I've also learned that things run their course and when it's time to let go, it's time to let go. Holding tightly onto something that doesn't want or need to be held down anymore only ends up causing more pain in the long run. I've learned that blood doesn't make someone your family. Someone can be blood related to you and treat you like garbage. So nowadays, a blood relation to someone does not make me see them as my family. My family members are people that love and support me no matter what and would do anything to make sure that they never cause me pain. I consider my best friend Kelsey family more than I consider some people that are actually related to me. It takes more than blood. It takes loyalty, unselfishness, caring, love and work to keep a relationship strong. And she has/does all of those things and more.


And as far as years of friendship, that doesn't always mean that they were good years. How many years you were friends with somebody doesn't count when it's struggle-love. When I was younger, I was best friends with someone for years. But when I look back on our relationship now that I've grown and matured, I realize how toxic our friendship was and I shouldn't have put up with her crap for as long as I did. I let her criticize me. She looked down on me. She stayed in her friendship with me because it made her feel good about herself. And I made excuses for her behavior. Over and over again. Just like I've done my whole life.

"Oh yeah, so-and-so hurt me for the 100th time but they didn't mean it."
"This person bullied me but they're family, so I have to forgive them."
"This other person didn't stick up for me when I really needed them but it's okay. We've been friends for a while."
"She always puts her happiness first and never considers what I want. But what I want isn't important and I can't be selfish."
"Sure this person hurt me but I don't have that many friends. I can't afford to lose this one, so I better just not say anything."

The list of excuses I've come up with for people could go on and on.


Everyone that knows me very well knows that I am not good at conflict at all. I tend to avoid it at all costs and I let fear of another person's reactions deter me from sticking up for myself. I always swallow whatever I'm feeling and push it down deep inside of me. Until it festers up and ends up exploding out of me. But I don't want anyone to see me as passive or weak or scared. I don't want my anxiety to prevent me from living the life that I want to live or from going after the treatment that I deserve from other people. I've always hoped that people would respect me the way that I've respected them. But it seems that from certain people, I'd have to demand it and that's not how respect should work. This isn't the image of myself that I want to project to people and it's certainly not who I want to believe that I am.

So I'm done being the one that picks up the pieces of every broken relationship and tries to force them back together. I'm done believing that everyone who is related to me cares about me. I'm done believing that everyone deserves multiple chances to prove that they deserve to be in my life. I'm done hoping that toxicity in my relationships will go away on its own or if I ignore it. I'm done making excuses for people. I'm done thinking that putting myself first is selfish. And I'm done accepting black roses from people because it's better than nothing.

-Chelsea