Normally, the only time that I have to write is at night, after I’ve put my son to sleep. But I also have to balance spending that time with my husband. So, we normally spend some time together talking or watching a TV show before he goes to sleep and I stay up to try to write. But unfortunately, lately, nothing has come out. I haven’t had a lick of inspiration lately and it’s been killing me. I spend hours looking at the computer screen, Microsoft Word open, and nothing happens. Sometimes, I try to force myself to write and it only makes it worse. Writing is my favorite thing to do in the world. It’s my passion. Forcing myself to do it makes it a chore and that is the last thing that I want. But in order to write, I have to have something to say. Otherwise it’s meaningless.
But not writing has put a strain on myself. In fact, I don’t feel like myself at all. There are days where I wonder if I can even call myself a writer. If someone asked me who I was, I’d say that I was a writer because I feel that in my soul. But can I even be considered a writer if I haven’t written anything lately? And what I’ve forced myself to write isn’t up to my standards? It feels like I’m going through an identity crisis. I want to show my son that you can have it all. You can have a job, a passion and a family. Society likes to tell us that we have to pick and choose which ones we want and sacrifice the others but I don’t believe that’s true. You can have it all and so can I.
Right now, I’m trying to hold onto the hope and the certainty that inspiration will find me again. The pressure to write has already found me but I don’t want that to distract me from what’s really important. Writing makes me feel whole and when I write, I feel like the best version of myself. And it’s incredibly gratifying to present that version of me to the world, vulnerability and all, and say that this is me.
I think that there is a stigma with stay-at-home moms. Some people believe that it isn’t hard, draining or crazy at times. Trust me, it is. I have an incredibly well-behaved baby and I know that all in all, my life isn’t difficult. But I also know that I need to be reminded most days that I’m more than just a housekeeper. I may not be the same person that I was before I had my son. I think I’m even better, honestly. Becoming a mother has allowed me to open up my heart in an entirely new way. Knowing the unconditional love between a mother and her child has made me a better person and I’m so grateful every day for my life’s biggest blessing. But I don’t want him to just see me as his mother. I want him, and the world, to see me as a writer.
And honestly, I’d like to see myself that way again, too.
Yesterday, I was watching an interview with George R. R. Martin and he was asked about his best writing advice. He said, “Write like nobody is watching because they aren’t.” It was such a simple statement but it held a lot of weight. I realized that the pressure I’ve been feeling has only been brought on by me. Nobody else is sitting around waiting for me to publish another book. Nobody has been waiting by their laptops, dying to read my next blog post. Everything has been on me. Hearing Martin say that felt like a weight was lifted off my shoulders. It reminded me that writing is a process. It’s not easy. If it was, everyone would do it. And it reminded me that when I’m inspired, no matter by what, that I should take it as far as I can because I can and that’s the fun of writing. I can push the boundaries because I choose to, because I want to and better yet, because I’m inspired to.
So I’m going to keep going at it every day because I literally can’t imagine doing anything else. I'm a writer and I always will be, no matter how long it takes inspiration to find me again.
-Chelsea
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