Unapologetically Me

When I look back on my life, I realize that I've always apologized for being who I am. But I didn't truly see it until a friend of mine pointed it out to me. We were having a discussion about theatre (which I love dearly) and I realized that as I continued talking, I was getting more and more excited. I started worrying that she'd think I was some kind of geek for getting so excited about a show that I loved and I immediately started apologizing. She looked at me with such sincerity and said, "Chelsea, don't ever apologize for something you love, something that brings you so much happiness." She went on to tell me that one of the main reasons that she liked me was because I was so passionate. She said that she wished more people were like that. And in that moment I realized that I was apologizing for something that someone loved about me. I couldn't believe that something that I saw as a negative aspect of myself was something perceived as positive through another person's eyes. This conversation was a game-changer for me and it drastically changed how I viewed myself. Although this discussion happened months ago, it has stayed with me and has meant more to me than she'll ever know. (Thanks, Erin.)

She got me thinking about all of the times in my life that I've ever been embarrassed by who I was. I've lived my entire life trying not to disappoint people, trying to be the person that I thought that they wanted me to be. I wanted to believe that I wasn't someone that cared about what other people thought of them but if I'm being honest, that just wasn't true. I had the opposite problem. I cared too much. And now I realize just how utterly wrong that is. I can't count the number of times that I've said things like: "I'm sorry that I'm so annoying", "I'm sorry that I'm such a geek", "I'm sorry that I'm so neurotic", "I'm sorry that I'm so shy" or "I'm so sorry that I'm so emotional". It was as if I thought that having flaws made me a bad person or that I should be embarrassed by them. But now, more than ever, I know that isn't true.

I'm done trying to fit into boxes that I think other people want to put me in. I'm done trying to force myself to be someone else or a different version of myself. I'm done stressing myself out over becoming someone that I know I can never be and someone that I never wanted to be in the first place. I'm done with being embarrassed by my flaws. But most of all, I'm done apologizing for being me. From this moment on, I am completely embracing who I am, despite what anyone else thinks or wants of me. I am living for me. I am loving myself for everything I am and everything I'm not, everything that I've been and everything I will be. For my entire life, I've put the happiness of others ahead of my own. I thought that I was happy to do it and that I'd be selfish if I didn't do it. But I realized that I can't make everyone else happy, no matter how hard I try. So from now on, I'm going to focus on me and making myself happy. Hopefully, the rest will follow.

I am done running from who I am or hoping that people will love or like me despite my flaws. Every single little bit of me makes me who I am and I am so many things.

Stubborn. A Disnerd. Proud. Anxious. Neurotic. Silly. Fun. Smart. Confident. Hard-working. Determined. Loyal. Family-oriented. A sister. A wife. A daughter. A friend. A pole dancer. A nanny. Someone who loves corny movies. An athlete. A fan of theatre. A kid at heart. Giving. Nurturing. An over-thinker. Caring. Funny. Passionate. A book lover. A writer. A blogger. Emotional. A planner. Persistent. Critical. Grateful. Positive. Introverted.

In short, I am perfectly imperfect and it's incredibly freeing to know that no matter what, I'm enough.

These words describe just a small part of who I am. Some are good and some are bad. But I've learned to accept all of it because I truly believe that there's nobody else in the world that I'd rather be. I'm lucky. I have a family and a husband that love me, loyal friends that have stuck by my side through good times and bad, hobbies that I love and the opportunity to chase my dreams every single day.

I've learned that I can't control what other people think about me but it doesn't matter. I'm the only person who knows who I am, how I feel and what I've been through. The only thing that matters is what I think of myself. It doesn't matter what anyone's perceptions are of me because one day, if they really look hard enough, they'll see the real me. It took me a long time to realize that I don't need anyone's approval or permission for any aspect of how I want to live my life. But now that I do see that, there is no going back. And no matter what, at the end of the day, I love who I am and I'm proud to be me. I'm proud of who I've been, what I've gone through and who I am today. And I can't wait to see who I grow up to be. But I know that one thing is for sure, that I'll be Chelsea. And you know what? That's more than enough for me.

-Chelsea