Black Roses

I've always been the type of person that gave people multiple chances, even when they didn't deserve them. I was so loyal to them that I'd find a reason to let them stick around. That, coupled with a very low self-esteem that made me want to hold onto all of my relationships, has caused me to stay in very toxic relationships and friendships for far too long. I'd find excuses for their behavior. I worked so hard trying to find a reason to keep their friendship that I ended up working harder than they did to deserve being in my life. And now I'm finally saying that enough is enough.

It's not enough that I've forced myself to stay in these toxic relationships. I think society/the outside world definitely plays a part in it as well. They say things like, "You can't cut your cousin out of your life. They're your family. They're your blood." Or, "You can't cut your best friend loose. You've been friends with them for 10 years. Doesn't that mean something?"

And I'll tell you, of course it means something. But I've also learned that things run their course and when it's time to let go, it's time to let go. Holding tightly onto something that doesn't want or need to be held down anymore only ends up causing more pain in the long run. I've learned that blood doesn't make someone your family. Someone can be blood related to you and treat you like garbage. So nowadays, a blood relation to someone does not make me see them as my family. My family members are people that love and support me no matter what and would do anything to make sure that they never cause me pain. I consider my best friend Kelsey family more than I consider some people that are actually related to me. It takes more than blood. It takes loyalty, unselfishness, caring, love and work to keep a relationship strong. And she has/does all of those things and more.


And as far as years of friendship, that doesn't always mean that they were good years. How many years you were friends with somebody doesn't count when it's struggle-love. When I was younger, I was best friends with someone for years. But when I look back on our relationship now that I've grown and matured, I realize how toxic our friendship was and I shouldn't have put up with her crap for as long as I did. I let her criticize me. She looked down on me. She stayed in her friendship with me because it made her feel good about herself. And I made excuses for her behavior. Over and over again. Just like I've done my whole life.

"Oh yeah, so-and-so hurt me for the 100th time but they didn't mean it."
"This person bullied me but they're family, so I have to forgive them."
"This other person didn't stick up for me when I really needed them but it's okay. We've been friends for a while."
"She always puts her happiness first and never considers what I want. But what I want isn't important and I can't be selfish."
"Sure this person hurt me but I don't have that many friends. I can't afford to lose this one, so I better just not say anything."

The list of excuses I've come up with for people could go on and on.


Everyone that knows me very well knows that I am not good at conflict at all. I tend to avoid it at all costs and I let fear of another person's reactions deter me from sticking up for myself. I always swallow whatever I'm feeling and push it down deep inside of me. Until it festers up and ends up exploding out of me. But I don't want anyone to see me as passive or weak or scared. I don't want my anxiety to prevent me from living the life that I want to live or from going after the treatment that I deserve from other people. I've always hoped that people would respect me the way that I've respected them. But it seems that from certain people, I'd have to demand it and that's not how respect should work. This isn't the image of myself that I want to project to people and it's certainly not who I want to believe that I am.

So I'm done being the one that picks up the pieces of every broken relationship and tries to force them back together. I'm done believing that everyone who is related to me cares about me. I'm done believing that everyone deserves multiple chances to prove that they deserve to be in my life. I'm done hoping that toxicity in my relationships will go away on its own or if I ignore it. I'm done making excuses for people. I'm done thinking that putting myself first is selfish. And I'm done accepting black roses from people because it's better than nothing.

-Chelsea

"Be the things you loved most about the people who are gone."

The other day, one of my friends posted something on Facebook that got me thinking. She said, "Be the things you loved most about the people who are gone". It really struck a chord with me, particularly because we're living in a world where negativity seems rampant and people are constantly showing the worst parts of themselves. It scares me because that's not the world that I want my son to grow up in.

When I was growing up, I lived in a bubble. I was completely naïve to how cruel the world can be and just how hard it can be to find people that will always truly be in your corner. It really hurt when the bubble popped because I was used to the protection that it provided me. Regardless, I'm glad that my parents raised me in a way that allowed me to feel safe, loved and protected, all while believing that's how the rest of the world lived too. Kids only believe in magic and that the impossible is possible for so long. And I know that I want my son to hold onto that innocence for as long as possible. I want my son to live in a world where people choose to be the best versions of themselves and honor both the memories and the qualities of the best people that they knew.

I've only lost one person, my grandmother. I was lucky enough not to know what loss felt like until I was an adult. Unfortunately, not only did I lose someone, I lost one of the most important people in my life. My grandmother and I had a very special relationship. She was one of my best friends and we were incredibly close. I spent many weekends at her house when I was a child, I visited her as often as I could and after I moved to New York, I called her at least twice a week. She was such a presence in my life and was truly one of the best people that I knew.

Whenever I talk to anyone about my grandmother, they always sing her praises. Nobody has a bad word to say about her. They describe her as loving, generous, selfless, warm, etc. Of course, I agree with all of them. She was the type of person that welcomed everyone, the kind of person that believed that you didn't have to be blood to be family. She saw the best in people, even when others couldn't. She believed in people and stuck to her convictions. She dressed up for every holiday and found joy in life's smallest moments. These qualities stick out in my mind and always remind me that she was the type of woman that came around once in a lifetime.

She was one of my role models and still is to this day. I miss her so much and think of her often. I wish more than anything that she could've lived to meet my son. I know that she would've loved him more than anything. Being a grandmother and great grandmother were some of her greatest joys. I know that my son would've loved her just as much. I'm going to do whatever I can to help keep her memory alive, so I'm going to do more than just tell my son stories about her. I'm going to try to live my life the way she did. I want to embody those qualities that I admired so much about her and teach him the lessons that she taught me about love, life and family.

She'll not only be one of my toughest losses. She'll always be one of my biggest blessings. I can only hope that I can make her proud of the woman that I've become. And I know that as long as my family members and I keep her alive in our hearts, as well as our actions, she'll never really be gone.

-Chelsea

A Curfew for Men

Recently, a question has been floating around the internet and has been the subject of discussion on many talk shows: If men had a 9 p.m. curfew, how would women act differently? There have been a variety of answers and they are all heartbreaking. 

The answers include things like: they'd walk outside without fear, they wouldn't feel the need to check their backseat before getting into their car and they would feel free to wear whatever they wanted to without worrying about being sexually assaulted. Now, as a female, I can definitely say that I've faced my own share of sexual harassment and I've definitely felt intimidated by many men. I was taught by society from a young age that I shouldn't dress a certain way because if I did, I'd be attracting the wrong kind of attention. When I was being sexually harassed and followed to my car by a customer at my old job, instead of anyone helping me, I was given pepper spray by my coworkers. If I was ever at a party, I was told not to ever put my drink down in case a man tried to drug me. I was told that taking self-defense classes are a necessity for women. So I understand where these women are coming from. 

But the issue is more complicated than that. I've been sexually harassed during broad daylight, surrounded by witnesses, even when I was a minor. If predators were taken off the streets at night, they'd still be willing and able to harass or hurt women during the day. It wouldn't solve the issue. But it's still even more than that. I shouldn't have had to grow up fearing men and being taught to take extra precautions to protect myself. Men should've been taught not to act that way. That's where the effort should've gone, to teaching those men to respect women. It breaks my heart to think about all of the time that I've spent worrying for my safety when I shouldn't have had to.

But there is another side to this. Not all men are predators. Not all men disrespect women. Not all men don't understand boundaries. Not all men should be feared. 

I have a newborn son with his whole life ahead of him. He's sweet, innocent and pure. And I will raise him to be a gentleman that respects women and would never hurt anyone. The idea that one day, a woman would feel threatened by him just because he was walking behind them on the sidewalk one day, kills me. 

No matter what, even though there are bad men in the world, people need to know that there are still good men out there and there will continue to be. Just like women. This issue is not gender specific because disrespect and harassment can be done by both genders. 

I know that this is just a hypothetical question, but in my opinion, it wouldn't be the solution anyway. I don't know what the right answer is. Maybe there isn't one because no matter what we do, there will always be bad people in the world. All that we can do is do our best to protect ourselves and try our hardest to end the cycle. 

-Chelsea 

I Hope You Can See Past My Anxiety

A few weeks ago, I was watching a movie with my husband and one of the characters was talking about all of the different things they were worried about. They were starting a new job and they started listing all of the things that could possibly go wrong. One of the other characters looks at her and says, "Is that what you want written on your tombstone? 'She worried a lot'?" And I haven't been able to get that line out of my head ever since.

Because I related to that. Everybody that knows me, and I mean really knows me, knows how anxious and scared I am. Confrontation is usually my worst nightmare. I have a hard time sticking up for myself. I overthink everything. I have a terribly low self-esteem. And whenever I have to do something, I always imagine, just like the movie character, every possible thing that could go wrong. Being anxious tends to be seen by others as one of my most dominant personality traits. My close friends, the ones who really know and understand who I am, know this and they accept me for who I am. I can't put into words how happy I am that I have friends that love and accept every part of me. But I wish that they didn't see me as anxious and quite frankly, I wish that I didn't see myself that way either.

There is so much more to me than that. I am far from perfect but I strive every single day to be the good person that my parents raised me to be. My anxiety is only one part of me but there are days when I feel like it overshadows everything else about me. And when that happens, it makes it really hard for me to feel like I'm a strong person. I wish that every time anxiety preyed on my biggest fears and insecurities that I could tell it to take a hike and just tune it out. But that's not the reality. It's something I constantly have to work on and I do every single day. I've overcome a lot in my life and I know that life is only going to get harder as I get older. The rest of the world makes life hard enough without me making it even harder on myself. But for some reason, it's a lot easier to listen to fear than it is to listen to hope.

I've allowed anxiety to take way too much of my time away from me by constantly contemplating the question, "What could go wrong?" When instead of that, I should've been asking myself, "What if things go right?" Although it's an internal battle, it gets shown on the outside too because my anxiety is visible to everyone in my circle. When people are placed in groups, people tend to know them by their roles. One person might be the prissy one. Another person might be the nerdy one. The list goes on and on. People put labels on others, almost without even meaning to. And as I think about that movie line, all I can hope was that in my group of friends I wasn't known as "the anxious one".

I'm an athlete. I'm silly. I'm kind. I'm a bookworm. I'm smart. I'm a writer. I'm compassionate. I'm hard-working. I'm a perfectionist. And so much more. And I really hope that's what people really see when they look at me. Maybe over time, I'll see myself that way and I won't use the word anxious to describe me.

Ironically, my anxiety normally comes from a good place, I think. It normally comes from me wanting to make sure that I don't hurt anyone's feelings or that I don't disappoint anyone. I stress about how every situation in my life is not only going to affect me but affect others. It eats away at me and tears at me until it starts to affect me physically. Over time, I've gotten much better about handling it, even though it may not sound like it. I'm proud of the progress that I've made over the years and thankfully, I had an incredible therapist that gave me tools to help make things easier for me.

But even still, it's a problem that I must deal with and whenever I learn that someone else I know deals with anxiety, I try to let them know that they're not alone. Knowing that I'm not alone in my struggles has been a tremendous help for me. Even though I struggle with anxiety, I know there is nothing wrong with me. And I hope that everyone else struggling with anxiety knows that there is nothing wrong with them either.

I don't know what people say about me when I'm not around and I don't know how they'd describe me to a person that's never met me. I have no control over that but I do wonder. My anxiety is a part of me but I don't see it as a personality trait. I see it as a hurdle that I have to overcome. I hope that one day, I won't see myself this way. I can only hope that everyone else sees past my anxiety and sees who I truly am as a person. A person with flaws and imperfections but truly strives to make the world a better place and be a positive influence on everyone around them.

-Chelsea

It's Okay to Disagree but It's Not Okay to Disrespect

There has been a lot of talk in the media and on the internet about Roseanne Barr's racist tweet that got her show cancelled. While I was watching TV this morning, people also started talking about Samantha Bee's comments about Ivanka Trump, where Bee called Ivanka the "C" word. Some people are outraged that Bee has not been fired from her job, while Roseanne has been fired from hers.

And all of this has got me thinking about what people deem as acceptable nowadays. Let me explain. Roseanne Barr's tweet was absolutely, unequivocally offensive, inappropriate and unacceptable. Racism is a disgusting problem that is persisting for some reason in this country and it should not be tolerated. I applaud ABC for taking a stand and saying that they will not stand for her racism on their network. Now that being said, I am someone that absolutely abhors the "C" word as well. I have never said it in my life and I doubt that I ever will. I find it demeaning, sexist and disgusting. Do I find it as offensive as Roseanne's tweet? No because Roseanne's tweet was racist. There is a huge difference between racism and the use of the "C" word.

Everyone knows that Americans have the right to free speech. It's one of our most precious and treasured guaranteed rights. But what people don't seem to realize is that just because you have the right to say whatever you think doesn't mean that you don't have to face the consequences of what you said. Social media can be a wonderful thing but there are some people that use social media as a platform to belittle others and to spread their opinions as truth, regardless of whether or not what they're saying is offensive or just flat out rude. I wanna know what happened to the golden rule. What happened to, "If you don't have anything nice to say, then don't say anything at all"?

I am not someone that discusses politics or religion with people. I never try to get people to see things the way that I do. You know why? Because I believe in your right to believe whatever you want to believe. Just because you don't believe what I believe doesn't mean that you're wrong. America is built on the idea that we can all be different and still coexist. But people have seemed to forget about that recently.

This isn't something that I typically discuss with people but I am a democrat. I'm not embarrassed by it at all. It's just not something that I wear on my sleeve and use to define me. But I can't tell you how many times I've logged onto Facebook and seen many of my republican friends post statuses or memes about how stupid democrats are. (That is not to say that I've never seen my democrat friends do the same thing to republicans. This is just my personal experience from my point of view.) I have had to delete so many people because I was tired of logging onto Facebook and being insulted by people that I thought were my friends.

Social media is supposed to be used to connect with other people and to share your life. It was not created as a way for people to force their agendas down peoples' throats. It has become such a negative part of peoples' lives that I wonder why people even bother to use it anymore. I am so tired of people going on social media and posting things that belittle or insult other people. Yes, as an American you do have the right to say or believe whatever you want. But you know what? You don't have the right to attack someone else's beliefs just because they are different than yours. 

Let me give you an example. I am not a gun owner. I probably will never own a gun. I don't care to. But I respect your second amendment rights. If someone posted on Facebook that they bought a gun, I would not comment rude comments just because they did something that I wouldn't do. But I know plenty of people that would do that and that disheartens me. We have gotten away from being able to agree to disagree. There have been many times when I've disagreed with someone over something or I thought that a person was being an idiot. And you know what? I kept my mouth shut. Just because you can say what you want, doesn't mean that you should. Negative language and attacks on other peoples' beliefs say more about you than it ever will about the other people. 

I want to get to a place where people remember how to agree to disagree. Where people understand that your opinion is not a fact. Where people understand that racism and discrimination of any kind are unacceptable. Where people understand that you don't need to be threatened by someone else's beliefs. Where people don't care about political parties but instead, care more about the issues. And a place where people understand that it's okay to stand up for what you believe in, but that you don't need to do it by putting down others. I've never had to unscrew another person's lightbulb to make my own shine. The same should go for everyone else.

So, in short, I want to get back to a place where people have more manners and respect for other people, regardless of their beliefs. Freedom of speech is a beautiful thing but it does not give you an excuse to make other people feel invalidated. I hear people say all the time that people aren't respectful anymore and that things were better in the old days. If that's really how it is, then why don't we get back to that place? And no day is better than today.

-Chelsea

I've Seen Your True Colors

Everyone always says, "You find out who your friends are" when something bad happens to you. Your true friends are the ones that are there for you when you hit rock bottom. They help you up, dust you off and help you get to where you need to be. They encourage you and help you bandage the wounds that you got on the way down. That's a true friend. I'd even say that's family.

I've often heard that you can count the people you can truly count on on one hand. As someone that always tries to see the best in people, I've always had a hard time believing this. But as I've gotten older, I've had to learn a few hard lessons. And one of those lessons is, sometimes people don't care about you as much as you think they do, regardless of what their relationship is to you.

But I've recently come to realize that isn't just when you hit rock bottom that people show their true selves. It also happens when you achieve success. Right now, I'm going through one of the most exciting times in my life. I'm expecting my first child and my husband and I couldn't possibly be any happier about it. Now, I've always thought that everyone viewed having a baby as a joyous, wonderful occasion but unfortunately, some people see it as a negative thing. And some of those people, I've recently discovered, are a part of my circle.

I thought that everyone would be happy for me when they found out that I was having a baby. And most people were. Some of my friends immediately went out and started buying onesies for me. Some sent me text messages every few days to see how I was feeling. Some asked for ultrasound pictures after every appointment. The amount of support that I received from those friends was heartwarming and I couldn't be more grateful for it.

But that wasn't the reaction that I got from everyone. Some people were jealous. Some people were resentful. Some were judgmental. And you know what I say to them? Thank you. Thank you for showing me who you really are. Thank you for showing me that you're not worth my time, so I won't waste any more of it on you.

I've wanted to be a mother for as long as I can remember and now that it's finally happening for me, I feel like a dream is coming true. I feel on top of the world. I'll be celebrating my five year wedding anniversary this year. I recently graduated college. I'm currently pursuing my dream of being a published writer. And I'm starting the journey of parenthood with my perfect baby boy. By all accounts, I feel incredibly successful, more successful than I've ever felt in my entire life. So if someone can't support me in my success, then when can they support me?

I'm now questioning these people that I thought cared about me. If you're not supporting me when things are going well for me, does that mean that you're only in my life to watch me fall? Do you only support me as long as you're doing better than me? Where do I, and where did I, stand in your life? But you know what? I've wasted so much time and energy trying to understand your behavior and your thought processes. And I'm not doing it anymore. The only thing that is clear to me is that you aren't the person that I thought you were but I'll never let you fool me again.

One thing that will never change is how much I love my son. And trust me when I say, I don't need anybody in my life that's only going to drag me down. But I do need him. He is my life now. He is my everything, as it should be. And if anyone has a problem with him, then you have a problem with me.

So if you're one of the people that resents me for getting pregnant or refuses to acknowledge my son's existence, know that I'm releasing you. I'm releasing you from my life and my son's life. We have the support of our true friends, our parents and our siblings. We don't need any negativity or toxicity. And I will do whatever it takes to protect my son.

It breaks my heart that so many people in my life have become unrecognizable. I don't see who I used to see anymore. But I am grateful that I know the truth and I know who is really in my corner. So thank you to everyone that has supported me and stayed by my side. It means more to me than you'll ever realize to know that there are people that are excited to meet him and are ready to welcome him into the world with love. As for everyone else, all I can say is that you're missing out. My son is a miracle and a gift. You'll be the ones that are missing out on the chance to experience everything that he has to offer and you know what? I feel sorry for you. But now that I've seen your true colors, there is no going back. I can only look towards the future. And in my future, I see more children, marital bliss, priceless memories and more success. And I'm glad that my true friends and supporters will be around to see it. 

-Chelsea

My Favorite Writing Tips

As someone that loves to write and whose dream it is to one day be a published writer, I've done my fair share of research on this topic. I've always loved to write and I can't remember a time in my life when I wasn't either writing or stuffing my nose in a book. I'm fascinated by the idea of telling a good story and having people respond to it in a positive way. I'd love to be able to write a book that someone loves so much that they can't put down. Of course, I'm no expert but I thought that it would be a good idea to compile a list of my favorite writing tips so that they could be shared with all of you. I incorporate these tips into my writing and I've found that they're very helpful. I hope that you find them helpful as well.

1. Make sure that if you are incorporating a villain into your story that they are present throughout the whole story. 

This doesn't mean that your villain needs to be physically present in various scenes interacting with your protagonist. However, the since the protagonist/hero of your story is going to spend the entire novel constantly working towards their goal, the villain should as well. Take Harry Potter for example. Even when Voldemort isn't fighting with Harry, he is still a huge part of the story. We know that he is always working towards getting stronger. Harry can feel his scar burning, further showing his connection to Voldemort and many times, he has dreams about Voldemort's actions. This allows Voldemort to be in the story without actually having to be with Harry.

2. Don't add more to the story than is necessary. 

Some writers want their word count to be higher, so they put in unnecessary scenes or dialogue. In other cases, some writers write unnecessary sequels to prolong their stories. The problem with this is that a good writer can tell their story simplistically and genuinely. If you are just adding extra things in, the readers are going to get that vibe and they won't enjoy it as much. They will know that those extra scenes or extra books were unnecessary and not coming from a genuine place. When a person reads your book, they are investing a lot of time with it. So when they read unnecessary scenes or sequels, it can upset them. I understand loving your characters and wanting to spend more time with them. But as writers, it is our responsibility to tell their stories to the best of our abilities, as efficiently and simplistically as possible.

3. Don't include unnecessary characters. 

This is kind of piggy-backing off of the last tip but this tip has been very important for me. I used to include characters in my stories that were just there because I thought that my protagonist needed more friends or siblings. But then I realized that they were just filler. Every character in your story should be necessary or fulfill some kind of purpose, even if their purpose is only to die. By that I mean, maybe your protagonist becomes depressed because of a loss or maybe an important character's death sparks a war. Either way, every character should be vital to the story, whether that person is comic relief, a love interest, an antagonist, etc.

If you're also an aspiring writer and would love to get some more tips, I have plenty more to share with you. So, if you enjoyed this, please let me know and I'll post more tips soon! Happy writing!

-Chelsea

A Change in Me

I've never been the type of person that ever felt comfortable or confident enough to stand up for myself. I was raised to respect others, especially my elders and at times, I took that lesson too far. I let people disrespect me and treat me like I didn't matter. But I respected them and told myself that I was taking the high road. But now that I'm getting older, I realize that there is a huge difference between giving someone else common courtesy and respect and letting someone else, tear me down.

The people that care about me, like my parents, my husband and my friends, always tell me that they want to see me stand up for myself and what I believe in. It hurts them to know that for my entire life, I've stayed silent about things that hurt me and didn't give myself the respect that I've given other people. And now I truly understand that respect is not given, it is earned.

And I've also recently learned that standing up for myself and saying my piece does not mean that I'm being disrespectful. A few days ago, I wrote a post called Please Stop Asking Me This where I told people to stop asking me if I was upset that the child that I'm carrying is a boy. Of course I'm not. I'm thrilled. But that doesn't stop people from asking. And I'll be honest, when I posted that blog, I assumed that some people would have a negative response to it. Normally, I try not to step on peoples' toes and I avoid writing about things that people could find upsetting. But this had to be said. If people believed that they had the right to ask me that (and the nerve, quite frankly) then I definitely had the right to tell them to stop.

And I did receive some negative responses. I got a few messages from people that implied that I was wrong for posting about it and that I was wrong for telling people to stop talking to me that way. And you know what? I disagree. A very important lesson that I had to learn the hard way was that people are going to treat me the way that I let them treat me. And guess what? I'm not going to let anyone talk to me that way and I'm sure as heck not going to let anyone say that my son is not good enough. That will never happen. So by me posting that blog, I was finally making a step forward and standing up for not only myself but for my son.

When my son is growing up, I will be his advocate. There will be times when he will be too young to make his voice heard or make sure that he isn't taken advantage of. And you know what? It'll be my job to be his voice until he can use his own. And that is a responsibility that I am more than willing to take. But learning to stand up for myself was the first step because if I can't stand up for myself, how can I stand up for him? Or how can I teach him to stand up for himself?

I've never wanted to be the type of person that would ruffle feathers or say anything that could potentially unsettle others. I thought that I was spreading the message of tolerance and compassion. But apparently what I was telling people was "I won't make you uncomfortable but you're allowed to make me uncomfortable". And one of the first times that I use my voice, in that post, people had negative responses. But I'm not going to apologize for standing up for myself or my son. So if anyone is holding out for that apology, (sorry, not sorry) but it's not going to happen.

Now that I'm pregnant, I see the world differently and my priorities have shifted. My husband and I are no longer the center of my universe. Everything I do and every choice I make is now about my unborn child. I realize everything that I'm going to have to protect my child from and I will not let people treat my child the way that I let myself be treated. Everything has changed.

There is a scene in Broadway's Beauty and the Beast where Belle tells her father that she's changed. She said it was "no change of heart, a change in me". And I never really thought about what that meant but I think now I understand it. At my core, I am still the same person and I still have the same morals and values that I've always had. But there has been a change in me, one that I'm really proud of. I'm no longer going to let people hurt me or affect me. I'm going to use my voice, for myself and my son. I'm never going to let anyone ever make me feel bad for what I feel or what I think. I'm still going to be myself but I'm going to stop being afraid of speaking up. So, in the words of Belle, there's "no change of heart, a change in me". I'm so glad that I finally made it and I'm so much stronger now because of it.

-Chelsea