I'm Still a Writer

Ever since I had my son, the majority of my day is spent watching him and playing with him. When he goes down for his naps, I usually do housework or edit something for a client. So that doesn’t leave a lot of time for myself or writing. Don’t get me wrong, I love spending time with my son and I love that I have the ability to stay home with him. But I’m not going to deny that I miss being creative.

Normally, the only time that I have to write is at night, after I’ve put my son to sleep. But I also have to balance spending that time with my husband. So, we normally spend some time together talking or watching a TV show before he goes to sleep and I stay up to try to write. But unfortunately, lately, nothing has come out. I haven’t had a lick of inspiration lately and it’s been killing me. I spend hours looking at the computer screen, Microsoft Word open, and nothing happens. Sometimes, I try to force myself to write and it only makes it worse. Writing is my favorite thing to do in the world. It’s my passion. Forcing myself to do it makes it a chore and that is the last thing that I want. But in order to write, I have to have something to say. Otherwise it’s meaningless.

But not writing has put a strain on myself. In fact, I don’t feel like myself at all. There are days where I wonder if I can even call myself a writer. If someone asked me who I was, I’d say that I was a writer because I feel that in my soul. But can I even be considered a writer if I haven’t written anything lately? And what I’ve forced myself to write isn’t up to my standards? It feels like I’m going through an identity crisis. I want to show my son that you can have it all. You can have a job, a passion and a family. Society likes to tell us that we have to pick and choose which ones we want and sacrifice the others but I don’t believe that’s true. You can have it all and so can I.

Right now, I’m trying to hold onto the hope and the certainty that inspiration will find me again. The pressure to write has already found me but I don’t want that to distract me from what’s really important. Writing makes me feel whole and when I write, I feel like the best version of myself. And it’s incredibly gratifying to present that version of me to the world, vulnerability and all, and say that this is me.

I think that there is a stigma with stay-at-home moms. Some people believe that it isn’t hard, draining or crazy at times. Trust me, it is. I have an incredibly well-behaved baby and I know that all in all, my life isn’t difficult. But I also know that I need to be reminded most days that I’m more than just a housekeeper. I may not be the same person that I was before I had my son. I think I’m even better, honestly. Becoming a mother has allowed me to open up my heart in an entirely new way. Knowing the unconditional love between a mother and her child has made me a better person and I’m so grateful every day for my life’s biggest blessing. But I don’t want him to just see me as his mother. I want him, and the world, to see me as a writer.

And honestly, I’d like to see myself that way again, too.

Yesterday, I was watching an interview with George R. R. Martin and he was asked about his best writing advice. He said, “Write like nobody is watching because they aren’t.” It was such a simple statement but it held a lot of weight. I realized that the pressure I’ve been feeling has only been brought on by me. Nobody else is sitting around waiting for me to publish another book. Nobody has been waiting by their laptops, dying to read my next blog post. Everything has been on me. Hearing Martin say that felt like a weight was lifted off my shoulders. It reminded me that writing is a process. It’s not easy. If it was, everyone would do it. And it reminded me that when I’m inspired, no matter by what, that I should take it as far as I can because I can and that’s the fun of writing. I can push the boundaries because I choose to, because I want to and better yet, because I’m inspired to.

So I’m going to keep going at it every day because I literally can’t imagine doing anything else. I'm a writer and I always will be, no matter how long it takes inspiration to find me again.

-Chelsea

Soul-Searching

Over the past year, I've done a lot of soul-searching and I truly believe that I've made tremendous strides towards becoming the person that I want to be. I'm trying to educate myself as much as possible so that I can see the world more clearly, as well as my relationships with others. And in learning about myself, I've also learned a lot about my friends and family.

I've learned what my limits are and that setting boundaries is important. I've learned how strong I am. I've learned that my unconditional love for another person isn't a free pass for them to treat me badly. I've learned that ignorance isn't bliss. I've learned that my love for someone else isn't a tool for them to manipulate me with. I've learned that when you see red flags in another person, you should listen to the warnings. I've learned that if people want to be involved in your life, they'll make an effort to do so. And as a mother, I've learned just how much you can love a person and that there's nothing I wouldn't do to protect my child and their feelings.

I've always been a very sensitive, passionate person. I wear my emotions on my sleeve and when I hurt, it nearly cripples me. But as I've been soul-searching, I've discovered a strength inside myself that I never knew was there. I realized that I didn't have to keep putting myself through emotional turmoil every time that I felt another piece of my heart break at the hands of someone else. I realized that I didn't want my happiness or sadness to be at the mercy of another person's actions, as they had always been.

And I finally understood that the reason that the cycle kept going was because I kept using love as an excuse. If someone showed me any sort of kindness and said that they loved me, I kept hoping that eventually, all of their behavior towards me would be positive. But that wasn't the case. That love conveniently only showed itself after that particular person hurt me; it was a way to show me that they weren't a bad person for what they'd done because they loved me.

But I realize now that although I feel unconditional love for my family and friends, it isn't an excuse to keep allowing myself to be swallowed up by guilt, pain, anxiety or self-doubt. People aren't perfect and I'm certainly far from it myself. But I now recognize that it's okay to cut people out of my life or love people from afar. It's not fair to me or my child to be around contagious negativity. I need to lead by example, so I can teach my kid how to be strong and recognize what true love actually is. I heard a quote today that said, "If you say that you respect love, you must also respect its limits" and I couldn't agree more. My unconditional love for the people close to me is unlimited but if I need to impose limits upon it, I am now prepared to do so.

-Chelsea

Black Roses

I've always been the type of person that gave people multiple chances, even when they didn't deserve them. I was so loyal to them that I'd find a reason to let them stick around. That, coupled with a very low self-esteem that made me want to hold onto all of my relationships, has caused me to stay in very toxic relationships and friendships for far too long. I'd find excuses for their behavior. I worked so hard trying to find a reason to keep their friendship that I ended up working harder than they did to deserve being in my life. And now I'm finally saying that enough is enough.

It's not enough that I've forced myself to stay in these toxic relationships. I think society/the outside world definitely plays a part in it as well. They say things like, "You can't cut your cousin out of your life. They're your family. They're your blood." Or, "You can't cut your best friend loose. You've been friends with them for 10 years. Doesn't that mean something?"

And I'll tell you, of course it means something. But I've also learned that things run their course and when it's time to let go, it's time to let go. Holding tightly onto something that doesn't want or need to be held down anymore only ends up causing more pain in the long run. I've learned that blood doesn't make someone your family. Someone can be blood related to you and treat you like garbage. So nowadays, a blood relation to someone does not make me see them as my family. My family members are people that love and support me no matter what and would do anything to make sure that they never cause me pain. I consider my best friend Kelsey family more than I consider some people that are actually related to me. It takes more than blood. It takes loyalty, unselfishness, caring, love and work to keep a relationship strong. And she has/does all of those things and more.


And as far as years of friendship, that doesn't always mean that they were good years. How many years you were friends with somebody doesn't count when it's struggle-love. When I was younger, I was best friends with someone for years. But when I look back on our relationship now that I've grown and matured, I realize how toxic our friendship was and I shouldn't have put up with her crap for as long as I did. I let her criticize me. She looked down on me. She stayed in her friendship with me because it made her feel good about herself. And I made excuses for her behavior. Over and over again. Just like I've done my whole life.

"Oh yeah, so-and-so hurt me for the 100th time but they didn't mean it."
"This person bullied me but they're family, so I have to forgive them."
"This other person didn't stick up for me when I really needed them but it's okay. We've been friends for a while."
"She always puts her happiness first and never considers what I want. But what I want isn't important and I can't be selfish."
"Sure this person hurt me but I don't have that many friends. I can't afford to lose this one, so I better just not say anything."

The list of excuses I've come up with for people could go on and on.


Everyone that knows me very well knows that I am not good at conflict at all. I tend to avoid it at all costs and I let fear of another person's reactions deter me from sticking up for myself. I always swallow whatever I'm feeling and push it down deep inside of me. Until it festers up and ends up exploding out of me. But I don't want anyone to see me as passive or weak or scared. I don't want my anxiety to prevent me from living the life that I want to live or from going after the treatment that I deserve from other people. I've always hoped that people would respect me the way that I've respected them. But it seems that from certain people, I'd have to demand it and that's not how respect should work. This isn't the image of myself that I want to project to people and it's certainly not who I want to believe that I am.

So I'm done being the one that picks up the pieces of every broken relationship and tries to force them back together. I'm done believing that everyone who is related to me cares about me. I'm done believing that everyone deserves multiple chances to prove that they deserve to be in my life. I'm done hoping that toxicity in my relationships will go away on its own or if I ignore it. I'm done making excuses for people. I'm done thinking that putting myself first is selfish. And I'm done accepting black roses from people because it's better than nothing.

-Chelsea

"Be the things you loved most about the people who are gone."

The other day, one of my friends posted something on Facebook that got me thinking. She said, "Be the things you loved most about the people who are gone". It really struck a chord with me, particularly because we're living in a world where negativity seems rampant and people are constantly showing the worst parts of themselves. It scares me because that's not the world that I want my son to grow up in.

When I was growing up, I lived in a bubble. I was completely naïve to how cruel the world can be and just how hard it can be to find people that will always truly be in your corner. It really hurt when the bubble popped because I was used to the protection that it provided me. Regardless, I'm glad that my parents raised me in a way that allowed me to feel safe, loved and protected, all while believing that's how the rest of the world lived too. Kids only believe in magic and that the impossible is possible for so long. And I know that I want my son to hold onto that innocence for as long as possible. I want my son to live in a world where people choose to be the best versions of themselves and honor both the memories and the qualities of the best people that they knew.

I've only lost one person, my grandmother. I was lucky enough not to know what loss felt like until I was an adult. Unfortunately, not only did I lose someone, I lost one of the most important people in my life. My grandmother and I had a very special relationship. She was one of my best friends and we were incredibly close. I spent many weekends at her house when I was a child, I visited her as often as I could and after I moved to New York, I called her at least twice a week. She was such a presence in my life and was truly one of the best people that I knew.

Whenever I talk to anyone about my grandmother, they always sing her praises. Nobody has a bad word to say about her. They describe her as loving, generous, selfless, warm, etc. Of course, I agree with all of them. She was the type of person that welcomed everyone, the kind of person that believed that you didn't have to be blood to be family. She saw the best in people, even when others couldn't. She believed in people and stuck to her convictions. She dressed up for every holiday and found joy in life's smallest moments. These qualities stick out in my mind and always remind me that she was the type of woman that came around once in a lifetime.

She was one of my role models and still is to this day. I miss her so much and think of her often. I wish more than anything that she could've lived to meet my son. I know that she would've loved him more than anything. Being a grandmother and great grandmother were some of her greatest joys. I know that my son would've loved her just as much. I'm going to do whatever I can to help keep her memory alive, so I'm going to do more than just tell my son stories about her. I'm going to try to live my life the way she did. I want to embody those qualities that I admired so much about her and teach him the lessons that she taught me about love, life and family.

She'll not only be one of my toughest losses. She'll always be one of my biggest blessings. I can only hope that I can make her proud of the woman that I've become. And I know that as long as my family members and I keep her alive in our hearts, as well as our actions, she'll never really be gone.

-Chelsea

A Curfew for Men

Recently, a question has been floating around the internet and has been the subject of discussion on many talk shows: If men had a 9 p.m. curfew, how would women act differently? There have been a variety of answers and they are all heartbreaking. 

The answers include things like: they'd walk outside without fear, they wouldn't feel the need to check their backseat before getting into their car and they would feel free to wear whatever they wanted to without worrying about being sexually assaulted. Now, as a female, I can definitely say that I've faced my own share of sexual harassment and I've definitely felt intimidated by many men. I was taught by society from a young age that I shouldn't dress a certain way because if I did, I'd be attracting the wrong kind of attention. When I was being sexually harassed and followed to my car by a customer at my old job, instead of anyone helping me, I was given pepper spray by my coworkers. If I was ever at a party, I was told not to ever put my drink down in case a man tried to drug me. I was told that taking self-defense classes are a necessity for women. So I understand where these women are coming from. 

But the issue is more complicated than that. I've been sexually harassed during broad daylight, surrounded by witnesses, even when I was a minor. If predators were taken off the streets at night, they'd still be willing and able to harass or hurt women during the day. It wouldn't solve the issue. But it's still even more than that. I shouldn't have had to grow up fearing men and being taught to take extra precautions to protect myself. Men should've been taught not to act that way. That's where the effort should've gone, to teaching those men to respect women. It breaks my heart to think about all of the time that I've spent worrying for my safety when I shouldn't have had to.

But there is another side to this. Not all men are predators. Not all men disrespect women. Not all men don't understand boundaries. Not all men should be feared. 

I have a newborn son with his whole life ahead of him. He's sweet, innocent and pure. And I will raise him to be a gentleman that respects women and would never hurt anyone. The idea that one day, a woman would feel threatened by him just because he was walking behind them on the sidewalk one day, kills me. 

No matter what, even though there are bad men in the world, people need to know that there are still good men out there and there will continue to be. Just like women. This issue is not gender specific because disrespect and harassment can be done by both genders. 

I know that this is just a hypothetical question, but in my opinion, it wouldn't be the solution anyway. I don't know what the right answer is. Maybe there isn't one because no matter what we do, there will always be bad people in the world. All that we can do is do our best to protect ourselves and try our hardest to end the cycle. 

-Chelsea 

I Hope You Can See Past My Anxiety

A few weeks ago, I was watching a movie with my husband and one of the characters was talking about all of the different things they were worried about. They were starting a new job and they started listing all of the things that could possibly go wrong. One of the other characters looks at her and says, "Is that what you want written on your tombstone? 'She worried a lot'?" And I haven't been able to get that line out of my head ever since.

Because I related to that. Everybody that knows me, and I mean really knows me, knows how anxious and scared I am. Confrontation is usually my worst nightmare. I have a hard time sticking up for myself. I overthink everything. I have a terribly low self-esteem. And whenever I have to do something, I always imagine, just like the movie character, every possible thing that could go wrong. Being anxious tends to be seen by others as one of my most dominant personality traits. My close friends, the ones who really know and understand who I am, know this and they accept me for who I am. I can't put into words how happy I am that I have friends that love and accept every part of me. But I wish that they didn't see me as anxious and quite frankly, I wish that I didn't see myself that way either.

There is so much more to me than that. I am far from perfect but I strive every single day to be the good person that my parents raised me to be. My anxiety is only one part of me but there are days when I feel like it overshadows everything else about me. And when that happens, it makes it really hard for me to feel like I'm a strong person. I wish that every time anxiety preyed on my biggest fears and insecurities that I could tell it to take a hike and just tune it out. But that's not the reality. It's something I constantly have to work on and I do every single day. I've overcome a lot in my life and I know that life is only going to get harder as I get older. The rest of the world makes life hard enough without me making it even harder on myself. But for some reason, it's a lot easier to listen to fear than it is to listen to hope.

I've allowed anxiety to take way too much of my time away from me by constantly contemplating the question, "What could go wrong?" When instead of that, I should've been asking myself, "What if things go right?" Although it's an internal battle, it gets shown on the outside too because my anxiety is visible to everyone in my circle. When people are placed in groups, people tend to know them by their roles. One person might be the prissy one. Another person might be the nerdy one. The list goes on and on. People put labels on others, almost without even meaning to. And as I think about that movie line, all I can hope was that in my group of friends I wasn't known as "the anxious one".

I'm an athlete. I'm silly. I'm kind. I'm a bookworm. I'm smart. I'm a writer. I'm compassionate. I'm hard-working. I'm a perfectionist. And so much more. And I really hope that's what people really see when they look at me. Maybe over time, I'll see myself that way and I won't use the word anxious to describe me.

Ironically, my anxiety normally comes from a good place, I think. It normally comes from me wanting to make sure that I don't hurt anyone's feelings or that I don't disappoint anyone. I stress about how every situation in my life is not only going to affect me but affect others. It eats away at me and tears at me until it starts to affect me physically. Over time, I've gotten much better about handling it, even though it may not sound like it. I'm proud of the progress that I've made over the years and thankfully, I had an incredible therapist that gave me tools to help make things easier for me.

But even still, it's a problem that I must deal with and whenever I learn that someone else I know deals with anxiety, I try to let them know that they're not alone. Knowing that I'm not alone in my struggles has been a tremendous help for me. Even though I struggle with anxiety, I know there is nothing wrong with me. And I hope that everyone else struggling with anxiety knows that there is nothing wrong with them either.

I don't know what people say about me when I'm not around and I don't know how they'd describe me to a person that's never met me. I have no control over that but I do wonder. My anxiety is a part of me but I don't see it as a personality trait. I see it as a hurdle that I have to overcome. I hope that one day, I won't see myself this way. I can only hope that everyone else sees past my anxiety and sees who I truly am as a person. A person with flaws and imperfections but truly strives to make the world a better place and be a positive influence on everyone around them.

-Chelsea

It's Okay to Disagree but It's Not Okay to Disrespect

There has been a lot of talk in the media and on the internet about Roseanne Barr's racist tweet that got her show cancelled. While I was watching TV this morning, people also started talking about Samantha Bee's comments about Ivanka Trump, where Bee called Ivanka the "C" word. Some people are outraged that Bee has not been fired from her job, while Roseanne has been fired from hers.

And all of this has got me thinking about what people deem as acceptable nowadays. Let me explain. Roseanne Barr's tweet was absolutely, unequivocally offensive, inappropriate and unacceptable. Racism is a disgusting problem that is persisting for some reason in this country and it should not be tolerated. I applaud ABC for taking a stand and saying that they will not stand for her racism on their network. Now that being said, I am someone that absolutely abhors the "C" word as well. I have never said it in my life and I doubt that I ever will. I find it demeaning, sexist and disgusting. Do I find it as offensive as Roseanne's tweet? No because Roseanne's tweet was racist. There is a huge difference between racism and the use of the "C" word.

Everyone knows that Americans have the right to free speech. It's one of our most precious and treasured guaranteed rights. But what people don't seem to realize is that just because you have the right to say whatever you think doesn't mean that you don't have to face the consequences of what you said. Social media can be a wonderful thing but there are some people that use social media as a platform to belittle others and to spread their opinions as truth, regardless of whether or not what they're saying is offensive or just flat out rude. I wanna know what happened to the golden rule. What happened to, "If you don't have anything nice to say, then don't say anything at all"?

I am not someone that discusses politics or religion with people. I never try to get people to see things the way that I do. You know why? Because I believe in your right to believe whatever you want to believe. Just because you don't believe what I believe doesn't mean that you're wrong. America is built on the idea that we can all be different and still coexist. But people have seemed to forget about that recently.

This isn't something that I typically discuss with people but I am a democrat. I'm not embarrassed by it at all. It's just not something that I wear on my sleeve and use to define me. But I can't tell you how many times I've logged onto Facebook and seen many of my republican friends post statuses or memes about how stupid democrats are. (That is not to say that I've never seen my democrat friends do the same thing to republicans. This is just my personal experience from my point of view.) I have had to delete so many people because I was tired of logging onto Facebook and being insulted by people that I thought were my friends.

Social media is supposed to be used to connect with other people and to share your life. It was not created as a way for people to force their agendas down peoples' throats. It has become such a negative part of peoples' lives that I wonder why people even bother to use it anymore. I am so tired of people going on social media and posting things that belittle or insult other people. Yes, as an American you do have the right to say or believe whatever you want. But you know what? You don't have the right to attack someone else's beliefs just because they are different than yours. 

Let me give you an example. I am not a gun owner. I probably will never own a gun. I don't care to. But I respect your second amendment rights. If someone posted on Facebook that they bought a gun, I would not comment rude comments just because they did something that I wouldn't do. But I know plenty of people that would do that and that disheartens me. We have gotten away from being able to agree to disagree. There have been many times when I've disagreed with someone over something or I thought that a person was being an idiot. And you know what? I kept my mouth shut. Just because you can say what you want, doesn't mean that you should. Negative language and attacks on other peoples' beliefs say more about you than it ever will about the other people. 

I want to get to a place where people remember how to agree to disagree. Where people understand that your opinion is not a fact. Where people understand that racism and discrimination of any kind are unacceptable. Where people understand that you don't need to be threatened by someone else's beliefs. Where people don't care about political parties but instead, care more about the issues. And a place where people understand that it's okay to stand up for what you believe in, but that you don't need to do it by putting down others. I've never had to unscrew another person's lightbulb to make my own shine. The same should go for everyone else.

So, in short, I want to get back to a place where people have more manners and respect for other people, regardless of their beliefs. Freedom of speech is a beautiful thing but it does not give you an excuse to make other people feel invalidated. I hear people say all the time that people aren't respectful anymore and that things were better in the old days. If that's really how it is, then why don't we get back to that place? And no day is better than today.

-Chelsea