One of my favorite pictures of us: Prom 2011.
From the title, one would probably assume that this is going to be a happy blog about something miraculous that happened to me and I blogged about it to make sure that I never forget the awesomeness. I wish that were true. The truth is, it´s actually the opposite. I am currently experiencing the worst pain that I can imagine. (Emotional, not physical). My husband just left for boot camp.
Now I have known that this day was coming since January when he enlisted and swore in. But it all seemed like it was never going to happen. It all felt like a dream. There was just an all-around surreal feeling going on around us and time seemed to stand still, yet go very quickly at the same time. I know that it doesn´t make sense but that´s the only way that I can try to relay that same feeling for you to understand. Add the wedding into the picture and it couldn´t get more surreal for us.
The wedding was therapeutic in many ways because it was the best distraction from what was really going on in our lives but it also brought us closer together. He knew that when he left, he would have a wife to come home to and vice versa for me. We spent so much time together and learned so much about each other that it was eye opening. But through it all, we got closer and fell even more in love with each other.
After those few months of planning went on and the wedding/honeymoon happened, reality really started to hit us. We got back from our honeymoon on the 17th of May and he was leaving us on May 20th. Three days was all that we had with each other. Three days. That´s not a long time by any means but by the 20th we would only have been married for 8 days. That´s a lot of pressure to put on a new marriage.
But these past few days have been the best days of my life, despite being sick. We received our wedding video yesterday and watched it with my family. We also received some of the pictures back from our photographer, which turned out amazing. The wedding had gone by so fast for us that it felt like a whirlwind and we didn´t remember half of it, so we appreciated these momentos very much. In the pictures and the video, you could see just how happy and in love that we were, which brought tears to my eyes.
That happiness was short-lived because today when we woke up, we knew that everything was coming to an end. We cried for a long time but tried to think about the good things to come as best as we could. But for us, since he is leaving for 9 months right after his 2 month boot camp, it was really hard to see the light at the end of the tunnel. We couldn´t even focus on the fact that I´ll see him for 3 days after boot camp. We were too swept up in our own sadness and tears to think clearly.
The weather was absolutely awful today and it has been raining cats and dogs all day. It felt like a bad omen and that made me even more uncomfortable. There was a teeny bit of good news though. His driver was late, so we got to spend an extra hour together before he had to leave. However, watching him get into that van and drive away broke my heart into a million tiny pieces that I thought were too small to pick up.
I had to get into his car and drive home in the pouring rain, holding back tears and thinking about our last kisses and hugs to each other. Needless to say, this wasn´t easy for me. I felt like I was having an emotional breakdown. On top of feeling alone and helpless, I was worried about him. Would he be okay? Would he get hurt? Will he make friends? Will he be miserable? A million thoughts were racing through my head.
It made me feel guilty for feeling so sorry for me when he was the one who was leaving, going to a strange place and his life was about to be flipped upside-down. But he wasn´t scared. Actually, he was quite confident. He was more worried about leaving his wife, which tugged at my heart strings.
This is going to be one of the hardest things that we´ve ever done in our lives. At least during his 9 month training, I can see him a few times. These next few months, I can´t see him and I can´t contact him except through letters. Kris and I have been separated before but we stayed in constant contact. This will be the first time that this is not an option.
Now this brings me back to the title of this blog and it´s true. I don´t want to forget this feeling. This is the saddest that I can remember being since my depression. But when this is all over, everything is fine and we are together again, I want to appreciate the beautiful melancholy feeling that Kris and I are experiencing now. I am so lucky that I have someone in my life that made it so hard to say goodbye. I am truly grateful for him being in my life, just as I am grateful for these emotions that are causing me such pain and agony.
I feel alone, empty, friendless, anxious, tired, exasperated, crazy, yet I´m relieved and excited. And while this is an agonizing and hard thing to deal with, it´s beautiful because one day we will both be safe, happy and together, traveling the world and pursuing the careers that we´ve been dreaming of for so long. That is what is going to get me through this. I keep trying to tell myself that millions of other people have done this or are doing this every day. That helps a little bit too. But this is, without a doubt, going to prove just how strong Kris and I are as a couple and it´s going to be tough, but hey... sounds like life to me.
