I don't want easy...

...I want crazy!



If you have turned on your radio some time during these last few weeks, you probably recognized that the phrase above is a line from Hunter Hayes' new hit single. Every time this song comes on the radio, I have to turn my volume all the way up; it's just principle. The song speaks to me in such a way that it's hard to explain but I'm going to give it a try anyway.

There are 2 lines in the song that tug at my heart strings every time that I hear them: "Love don't know what distance is" and "We're the kind of crazy people wish that they could be." With my husband away at boot camp, it has put some previously unexpected strain on our relationship. Don't get me wrong, I'm not mad about that; I want him to follow his dreams. It just shows how strong our relationship is because we are able to get through this together, even though we are in different states.

I also have heard many accounts of people breaking up because they couldn't handles the pressure of a military relationship. People often tell me how brave Kris and I are for doing this, which shows me that people really do wish that they were like us.

In a way, we were a bit crazy. The army was literally an opportunity that just fell into our laps and we jumped on it as fast as we could. We felt like we'd be stupid for not doing it. Kris would have been stuck at a job that he hated and not making the money that he deserved to make and I was medically unable to work at the time. As a young engaged couple, we would've been stuck where we were in life for a long time with no way out any time soon.

So if you are wondering if going through a "crazy" relationship is worth it, I say go for it. I can only speak for myself and I can't tell you how to live your but I promise you that it will be an adventure. It may be risky but safe is boring anyway, right? Plus, anyone can take the easy way out, even though there is no such thing as an "easy" relationship. But it takes a really brave person to be "crazy." It may be hard but it'll be worth it and hey... it sounds like life to me.

Hey guys! I hope that you liked this post! I've been focusing a lot on my blog challenge but I miss writing what I want to write whenever I want to write it. So, I needed this as a little break as a bit of therapy. If you are on any other social media sites, you should follow me and stay up to date on my life when I'm not posting blogs!

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Also, to watch Hunter Hayes' music video for "I Want Crazy" click here: I Want Crazy- Hunter Hayes

Yearning

                                                            After our first kiss. :)

Today while I was at work, a whole bunch of people from the navy came in to eat. It's a special that the restaurant does once a month for them, so they all come in at once. There must have been at least 50 of them. I'm still new at work, so the sight was something very odd for me. Everyone else was so used to it that it didn't phase them. It didn't bother me though; it just made me sad.

Of course, everyone was in full uniform. Now, my husband isn't in the Navy but it made me think of him even more. I think about him all the time but it's so hard to be strong. It's hard not to break down and cry every second of every day. But I've never seen my husband in uniform because he went to boot camp after we got married and we've been separated ever since.

The thought of seeing my husband dressed like that one day is what got to me and made me tear up. The next time that I see him, he will be in full army uniform. I am so incredibly proud of him and who is he becoming while he is away. That's what has been able to get me through this.

Not gonna lie, even though I know that my husband isn't in the navy, a small part of me was hoping that he would walk through that door and surprise me. Hey, a girl can dream. Even though I know that's impossible, it's hard to think with your head and not your heart sometimes, especially with something as emotionally trying as this.

So I know that it's not smart to drive yourself nuts over something that you can't have but I couldn't help it. I kept yearning for him to come and see me and I yearn for him to be with me every night. Today makes it three weeks exactly that he's been away. So that means only seven more weeks until graduation. I wish that I could say that everything has been getting better with time but I'd be lying. If he was only staying away for those 10 weeks, then it would be a lot easier; but because he is leaving for another 9 months after that, it doesn't help much.

But every time someone asks me about him or what he is doing, they all think that it's so cool and that he is so lucky to have the job that he has. So it makes me forget, for a brief second, about the sadness and it turns back into pride. This has been the toughest thing that I've had to do and everything I see or do reminds me of him. But I have to get through it. I have to. There is no other choice.

If he is going through all of this, the least that I can do is be strong for him. It just hurt so badly today to see a sea of military uniforms and know that my husband being there wasn't an option, or even a possibility. I just wish that I could stop yearning for the impossible and be as strong as I want to be for the both of us. It's easier said than done but the same goes for a lot of other things and hey... it sounds like life to me.

Memorial Day!

I´m sure that if you looked at your calendar today, you have probably noticed that today is Memorial Day! Today is a day that we set aside on our calendar to honor, respect and think about the people that have sacrificed so much or even their lives for their service to their country.

I have quite a few people in my family that have served in the military, so this holiday and ones like it, such as Veteran´s Day, have always warranted a lot of much-deserved respect from me and my other family members. This year, however, that respect is getting magnified. Off the top of my head, I can think of 5 people in my family that have served in the military. I´m sure that there are tons of others that I don´t even know about or remember. It´s always something that I´ve been very proud to say about my family, that I have military lineage. What more noble profession is there than to serve your country?

This year though, the tables have turned. Three of those 5 people that I mentioned earlier, I never even met. They were my great-uncles Don and Ron and my Grandpa Jack. They all passed away years before I was born. Still, I was proud to be a part of their lineage. The other people live very far away and I don´t see or hear from them very often. So, even though the respect and admiration has always been there for them, it´s been less personal because I never got to see their sacrifices first-hand.

If you have read any of my previous blog posts, you know that my husband is currently away at boot camp and will be gone for about another 10 weeks. For me, I still don´t think that the concept of him being in the military has completely sunk in yet. But with all of the love that has been given for the military on things like Facebook or on television commercials, it really started to sink into my brain. Although my husband being in the U.S. Army still is a foreign concept, I feel so much pride when I tell people about his sacrifices and what he is being put through.

Now, I am not only witnessing the sacrifices that someone in the armed forces has to go through and deal with, I am a part of them. I´m a small part but a part nonetheless. It really puts things into perspective. Anyone can say that joining the navy, the marines, the army or any military branch is hard and worth respecting; it´s another thing to see those sacrifices first-hand and deal with the heartache of waiting for your soldier to come home safely. Then and only then can you really understand.

So now I think about a day like this, Memorial Day, and realize that after he graduates and he really starts his army career, this holiday will be for people like him and his friends. I am not a religious woman but I am praying to the universe that no matter what he will be safe and not have to ever go into any sort of a war situation. That is the only thing that I can think of that I truly wouldn´t be able to handle.

But even though he hasn´t been through any sort of war situation yet, he still deserves all of the respect and support in the world for himself and for everyone else with him at boot camp right now. So despite what a lot of people think, it is not National Barbecue Day. I know that I feel as if I´m going through my own personal hell right now, so I can only imagine what every other military family whose sons, daughters, fathers, mothers, etc, must be feeling, knowing that their loved-ones are in places like Iraq and that they aren´t safe like my husband is.

I heard a saying earlier today that really spoke to me, ¨We are the home of the free because of the brave.¨ Remember the brave men and women who gave up their families, their home, their safety, their comfort and in so many cases, their lives, so that you could wake up every morning and go to work, the beach or Disneyland. It doesn´t matter how you choose to spend your time. Just know that a lot people sacrificed a lot so that you could enjoy each and every day of your life to the fullest potential. Remember that, because everyday life isn´t perfect but you are free because of the military´s sacrifices and they never asked for anything in return.

There is nothing that I want more right now than to have my husband home but he needs to do this and we will both have to sacrifice some more time apart so that he can serve his country. It still continues to be hard but hey... sounds like life to me.

I Don´t Want to Forget This Feeling

                                   One of my favorite pictures of us: Prom 2011.

From the title, one would probably assume that this is going to be a happy blog about something miraculous that happened to me and I blogged about it to make sure that I never forget the awesomeness. I wish that were true. The truth is, it´s actually the opposite. I am currently experiencing the worst pain that I can imagine. (Emotional, not physical). My husband just left for boot camp.

Now I have known that this day was coming since January when he enlisted and swore in. But it all seemed like it was never going to happen. It all felt like a dream. There was just an all-around surreal feeling going on around us and time seemed to stand still, yet go very quickly at the same time. I know that it doesn´t make sense but that´s the only way that I can try to relay that same feeling for you to understand. Add the wedding into the picture and it couldn´t get more surreal for us.

The wedding was therapeutic in many ways because it was the best distraction from what was really going on in our lives but it also brought us closer together. He knew that when he left, he would have a wife to come home to and vice versa for me. We spent so much time together and learned so much about each other that it was eye opening. But through it all, we got closer and fell even more in love with each other.

After those few months of planning went on and the wedding/honeymoon happened, reality really started to hit us. We got back from our honeymoon on the 17th of May and he was leaving us on May 20th. Three days was all that we had with each other. Three days. That´s not a long time by any means but by the 20th we would only have been married for 8 days. That´s a lot of pressure to put on a new marriage.

But these past few days have been the best days of my life, despite being sick. We received our wedding video yesterday and watched it with my family. We also received some of the pictures back from our photographer, which turned out amazing. The wedding had gone by so fast for us that it felt like a whirlwind and we didn´t remember half of it, so we appreciated these momentos very much. In the pictures and the video, you could see just how happy and in love that we were, which brought tears to my eyes.

That happiness was short-lived because today when we woke up, we knew that everything was coming to an end. We cried for a long time but tried to think about the good things to come as best as we could. But for us, since he is leaving for 9 months right after his 2 month boot camp, it was really hard to see the light at the end of the tunnel. We couldn´t even focus on the fact that I´ll see him for 3 days after boot camp. We were too swept up in our own sadness and tears to think clearly.

The weather was absolutely awful today and it has been raining cats and dogs all day. It felt like a bad omen and that made me even more uncomfortable. There was a teeny bit of good news though. His driver was late, so we got to spend an extra hour together before he had to leave. However, watching him get into that van and drive away broke my heart into a million tiny pieces that I thought were too small to pick up.

I had to get into his car and drive home in the pouring rain, holding back tears and thinking about our last kisses and hugs to each other. Needless to say, this wasn´t easy for me. I felt like I was having an emotional breakdown. On top of feeling alone and helpless, I was worried about him. Would he be okay? Would he get hurt? Will he make friends? Will he be miserable? A million thoughts were racing through my head.

It made me feel guilty for feeling so sorry for me when he was the one who was leaving, going to a strange place and his life was about to be flipped upside-down. But he wasn´t scared. Actually, he was quite confident. He was more worried about leaving his wife, which tugged at my heart strings.

This is going to be one of the hardest things that we´ve ever done in our lives. At least during his 9 month training, I can see him a few times. These next few months, I can´t see him and I can´t contact him except through letters. Kris and I have been separated before but we stayed in constant contact. This will be the first time that this is not an option.

Now this brings me back to the title of this blog and it´s true. I don´t want to forget this feeling. This is the saddest that I can remember being since my depression. But when this is all over, everything is fine and we are together again, I want to appreciate the beautiful melancholy feeling that Kris and I are experiencing now. I am so lucky that I have someone in my life that made it so hard to say goodbye. I am truly grateful for him being in my life, just as I am grateful for these emotions that are causing me such pain and agony.

I feel alone, empty, friendless, anxious, tired, exasperated, crazy, yet I´m relieved and excited. And while this is an agonizing and hard thing to deal with, it´s beautiful because one day we will both be safe, happy and together, traveling the world and pursuing the careers that we´ve been dreaming of for so long. That is what is going to get me through this. I keep trying to tell myself that millions of other people have done this or are doing this every day. That helps a little bit too. But this is, without a doubt, going to prove just how strong Kris and I are as a couple and it´s going to be tough, but hey... sounds like life to me.