I Hope You Can See Past My Anxiety

A few weeks ago, I was watching a movie with my husband and one of the characters was talking about all of the different things they were worried about. They were starting a new job and they started listing all of the things that could possibly go wrong. One of the other characters looks at her and says, "Is that what you want written on your tombstone? 'She worried a lot'?" And I haven't been able to get that line out of my head ever since.

Because I related to that. Everybody that knows me, and I mean really knows me, knows how anxious and scared I am. Confrontation is usually my worst nightmare. I have a hard time sticking up for myself. I overthink everything. I have a terribly low self-esteem. And whenever I have to do something, I always imagine, just like the movie character, every possible thing that could go wrong. Being anxious tends to be seen by others as one of my most dominant personality traits. My close friends, the ones who really know and understand who I am, know this and they accept me for who I am. I can't put into words how happy I am that I have friends that love and accept every part of me. But I wish that they didn't see me as anxious and quite frankly, I wish that I didn't see myself that way either.

There is so much more to me than that. I am far from perfect but I strive every single day to be the good person that my parents raised me to be. My anxiety is only one part of me but there are days when I feel like it overshadows everything else about me. And when that happens, it makes it really hard for me to feel like I'm a strong person. I wish that every time anxiety preyed on my biggest fears and insecurities that I could tell it to take a hike and just tune it out. But that's not the reality. It's something I constantly have to work on and I do every single day. I've overcome a lot in my life and I know that life is only going to get harder as I get older. The rest of the world makes life hard enough without me making it even harder on myself. But for some reason, it's a lot easier to listen to fear than it is to listen to hope.

I've allowed anxiety to take way too much of my time away from me by constantly contemplating the question, "What could go wrong?" When instead of that, I should've been asking myself, "What if things go right?" Although it's an internal battle, it gets shown on the outside too because my anxiety is visible to everyone in my circle. When people are placed in groups, people tend to know them by their roles. One person might be the prissy one. Another person might be the nerdy one. The list goes on and on. People put labels on others, almost without even meaning to. And as I think about that movie line, all I can hope was that in my group of friends I wasn't known as "the anxious one".

I'm an athlete. I'm silly. I'm kind. I'm a bookworm. I'm smart. I'm a writer. I'm compassionate. I'm hard-working. I'm a perfectionist. And so much more. And I really hope that's what people really see when they look at me. Maybe over time, I'll see myself that way and I won't use the word anxious to describe me.

Ironically, my anxiety normally comes from a good place, I think. It normally comes from me wanting to make sure that I don't hurt anyone's feelings or that I don't disappoint anyone. I stress about how every situation in my life is not only going to affect me but affect others. It eats away at me and tears at me until it starts to affect me physically. Over time, I've gotten much better about handling it, even though it may not sound like it. I'm proud of the progress that I've made over the years and thankfully, I had an incredible therapist that gave me tools to help make things easier for me.

But even still, it's a problem that I must deal with and whenever I learn that someone else I know deals with anxiety, I try to let them know that they're not alone. Knowing that I'm not alone in my struggles has been a tremendous help for me. Even though I struggle with anxiety, I know there is nothing wrong with me. And I hope that everyone else struggling with anxiety knows that there is nothing wrong with them either.

I don't know what people say about me when I'm not around and I don't know how they'd describe me to a person that's never met me. I have no control over that but I do wonder. My anxiety is a part of me but I don't see it as a personality trait. I see it as a hurdle that I have to overcome. I hope that one day, I won't see myself this way. I can only hope that everyone else sees past my anxiety and sees who I truly am as a person. A person with flaws and imperfections but truly strives to make the world a better place and be a positive influence on everyone around them.

-Chelsea

It's Okay to Disagree but It's Not Okay to Disrespect

There has been a lot of talk in the media and on the internet about Roseanne Barr's racist tweet that got her show cancelled. While I was watching TV this morning, people also started talking about Samantha Bee's comments about Ivanka Trump, where Bee called Ivanka the "C" word. Some people are outraged that Bee has not been fired from her job, while Roseanne has been fired from hers.

And all of this has got me thinking about what people deem as acceptable nowadays. Let me explain. Roseanne Barr's tweet was absolutely, unequivocally offensive, inappropriate and unacceptable. Racism is a disgusting problem that is persisting for some reason in this country and it should not be tolerated. I applaud ABC for taking a stand and saying that they will not stand for her racism on their network. Now that being said, I am someone that absolutely abhors the "C" word as well. I have never said it in my life and I doubt that I ever will. I find it demeaning, sexist and disgusting. Do I find it as offensive as Roseanne's tweet? No because Roseanne's tweet was racist. There is a huge difference between racism and the use of the "C" word.

Everyone knows that Americans have the right to free speech. It's one of our most precious and treasured guaranteed rights. But what people don't seem to realize is that just because you have the right to say whatever you think doesn't mean that you don't have to face the consequences of what you said. Social media can be a wonderful thing but there are some people that use social media as a platform to belittle others and to spread their opinions as truth, regardless of whether or not what they're saying is offensive or just flat out rude. I wanna know what happened to the golden rule. What happened to, "If you don't have anything nice to say, then don't say anything at all"?

I am not someone that discusses politics or religion with people. I never try to get people to see things the way that I do. You know why? Because I believe in your right to believe whatever you want to believe. Just because you don't believe what I believe doesn't mean that you're wrong. America is built on the idea that we can all be different and still coexist. But people have seemed to forget about that recently.

This isn't something that I typically discuss with people but I am a democrat. I'm not embarrassed by it at all. It's just not something that I wear on my sleeve and use to define me. But I can't tell you how many times I've logged onto Facebook and seen many of my republican friends post statuses or memes about how stupid democrats are. (That is not to say that I've never seen my democrat friends do the same thing to republicans. This is just my personal experience from my point of view.) I have had to delete so many people because I was tired of logging onto Facebook and being insulted by people that I thought were my friends.

Social media is supposed to be used to connect with other people and to share your life. It was not created as a way for people to force their agendas down peoples' throats. It has become such a negative part of peoples' lives that I wonder why people even bother to use it anymore. I am so tired of people going on social media and posting things that belittle or insult other people. Yes, as an American you do have the right to say or believe whatever you want. But you know what? You don't have the right to attack someone else's beliefs just because they are different than yours. 

Let me give you an example. I am not a gun owner. I probably will never own a gun. I don't care to. But I respect your second amendment rights. If someone posted on Facebook that they bought a gun, I would not comment rude comments just because they did something that I wouldn't do. But I know plenty of people that would do that and that disheartens me. We have gotten away from being able to agree to disagree. There have been many times when I've disagreed with someone over something or I thought that a person was being an idiot. And you know what? I kept my mouth shut. Just because you can say what you want, doesn't mean that you should. Negative language and attacks on other peoples' beliefs say more about you than it ever will about the other people. 

I want to get to a place where people remember how to agree to disagree. Where people understand that your opinion is not a fact. Where people understand that racism and discrimination of any kind are unacceptable. Where people understand that you don't need to be threatened by someone else's beliefs. Where people don't care about political parties but instead, care more about the issues. And a place where people understand that it's okay to stand up for what you believe in, but that you don't need to do it by putting down others. I've never had to unscrew another person's lightbulb to make my own shine. The same should go for everyone else.

So, in short, I want to get back to a place where people have more manners and respect for other people, regardless of their beliefs. Freedom of speech is a beautiful thing but it does not give you an excuse to make other people feel invalidated. I hear people say all the time that people aren't respectful anymore and that things were better in the old days. If that's really how it is, then why don't we get back to that place? And no day is better than today.

-Chelsea

I've Seen Your True Colors

Everyone always says, "You find out who your friends are" when something bad happens to you. Your true friends are the ones that are there for you when you hit rock bottom. They help you up, dust you off and help you get to where you need to be. They encourage you and help you bandage the wounds that you got on the way down. That's a true friend. I'd even say that's family.

I've often heard that you can count the people you can truly count on on one hand. As someone that always tries to see the best in people, I've always had a hard time believing this. But as I've gotten older, I've had to learn a few hard lessons. And one of those lessons is, sometimes people don't care about you as much as you think they do, regardless of what their relationship is to you.

But I've recently come to realize that isn't just when you hit rock bottom that people show their true selves. It also happens when you achieve success. Right now, I'm going through one of the most exciting times in my life. I'm expecting my first child and my husband and I couldn't possibly be any happier about it. Now, I've always thought that everyone viewed having a baby as a joyous, wonderful occasion but unfortunately, some people see it as a negative thing. And some of those people, I've recently discovered, are a part of my circle.

I thought that everyone would be happy for me when they found out that I was having a baby. And most people were. Some of my friends immediately went out and started buying onesies for me. Some sent me text messages every few days to see how I was feeling. Some asked for ultrasound pictures after every appointment. The amount of support that I received from those friends was heartwarming and I couldn't be more grateful for it.

But that wasn't the reaction that I got from everyone. Some people were jealous. Some people were resentful. Some were judgmental. And you know what I say to them? Thank you. Thank you for showing me who you really are. Thank you for showing me that you're not worth my time, so I won't waste any more of it on you.

I've wanted to be a mother for as long as I can remember and now that it's finally happening for me, I feel like a dream is coming true. I feel on top of the world. I'll be celebrating my five year wedding anniversary this year. I recently graduated college. I'm currently pursuing my dream of being a published writer. And I'm starting the journey of parenthood with my perfect baby boy. By all accounts, I feel incredibly successful, more successful than I've ever felt in my entire life. So if someone can't support me in my success, then when can they support me?

I'm now questioning these people that I thought cared about me. If you're not supporting me when things are going well for me, does that mean that you're only in my life to watch me fall? Do you only support me as long as you're doing better than me? Where do I, and where did I, stand in your life? But you know what? I've wasted so much time and energy trying to understand your behavior and your thought processes. And I'm not doing it anymore. The only thing that is clear to me is that you aren't the person that I thought you were but I'll never let you fool me again.

One thing that will never change is how much I love my son. And trust me when I say, I don't need anybody in my life that's only going to drag me down. But I do need him. He is my life now. He is my everything, as it should be. And if anyone has a problem with him, then you have a problem with me.

So if you're one of the people that resents me for getting pregnant or refuses to acknowledge my son's existence, know that I'm releasing you. I'm releasing you from my life and my son's life. We have the support of our true friends, our parents and our siblings. We don't need any negativity or toxicity. And I will do whatever it takes to protect my son.

It breaks my heart that so many people in my life have become unrecognizable. I don't see who I used to see anymore. But I am grateful that I know the truth and I know who is really in my corner. So thank you to everyone that has supported me and stayed by my side. It means more to me than you'll ever realize to know that there are people that are excited to meet him and are ready to welcome him into the world with love. As for everyone else, all I can say is that you're missing out. My son is a miracle and a gift. You'll be the ones that are missing out on the chance to experience everything that he has to offer and you know what? I feel sorry for you. But now that I've seen your true colors, there is no going back. I can only look towards the future. And in my future, I see more children, marital bliss, priceless memories and more success. And I'm glad that my true friends and supporters will be around to see it. 

-Chelsea

My Favorite Writing Tips

As someone that loves to write and whose dream it is to one day be a published writer, I've done my fair share of research on this topic. I've always loved to write and I can't remember a time in my life when I wasn't either writing or stuffing my nose in a book. I'm fascinated by the idea of telling a good story and having people respond to it in a positive way. I'd love to be able to write a book that someone loves so much that they can't put down. Of course, I'm no expert but I thought that it would be a good idea to compile a list of my favorite writing tips so that they could be shared with all of you. I incorporate these tips into my writing and I've found that they're very helpful. I hope that you find them helpful as well.

1. Make sure that if you are incorporating a villain into your story that they are present throughout the whole story. 

This doesn't mean that your villain needs to be physically present in various scenes interacting with your protagonist. However, the since the protagonist/hero of your story is going to spend the entire novel constantly working towards their goal, the villain should as well. Take Harry Potter for example. Even when Voldemort isn't fighting with Harry, he is still a huge part of the story. We know that he is always working towards getting stronger. Harry can feel his scar burning, further showing his connection to Voldemort and many times, he has dreams about Voldemort's actions. This allows Voldemort to be in the story without actually having to be with Harry.

2. Don't add more to the story than is necessary. 

Some writers want their word count to be higher, so they put in unnecessary scenes or dialogue. In other cases, some writers write unnecessary sequels to prolong their stories. The problem with this is that a good writer can tell their story simplistically and genuinely. If you are just adding extra things in, the readers are going to get that vibe and they won't enjoy it as much. They will know that those extra scenes or extra books were unnecessary and not coming from a genuine place. When a person reads your book, they are investing a lot of time with it. So when they read unnecessary scenes or sequels, it can upset them. I understand loving your characters and wanting to spend more time with them. But as writers, it is our responsibility to tell their stories to the best of our abilities, as efficiently and simplistically as possible.

3. Don't include unnecessary characters. 

This is kind of piggy-backing off of the last tip but this tip has been very important for me. I used to include characters in my stories that were just there because I thought that my protagonist needed more friends or siblings. But then I realized that they were just filler. Every character in your story should be necessary or fulfill some kind of purpose, even if their purpose is only to die. By that I mean, maybe your protagonist becomes depressed because of a loss or maybe an important character's death sparks a war. Either way, every character should be vital to the story, whether that person is comic relief, a love interest, an antagonist, etc.

If you're also an aspiring writer and would love to get some more tips, I have plenty more to share with you. So, if you enjoyed this, please let me know and I'll post more tips soon! Happy writing!

-Chelsea

A Change in Me

I've never been the type of person that ever felt comfortable or confident enough to stand up for myself. I was raised to respect others, especially my elders and at times, I took that lesson too far. I let people disrespect me and treat me like I didn't matter. But I respected them and told myself that I was taking the high road. But now that I'm getting older, I realize that there is a huge difference between giving someone else common courtesy and respect and letting someone else, tear me down.

The people that care about me, like my parents, my husband and my friends, always tell me that they want to see me stand up for myself and what I believe in. It hurts them to know that for my entire life, I've stayed silent about things that hurt me and didn't give myself the respect that I've given other people. And now I truly understand that respect is not given, it is earned.

And I've also recently learned that standing up for myself and saying my piece does not mean that I'm being disrespectful. A few days ago, I wrote a post called Please Stop Asking Me This where I told people to stop asking me if I was upset that the child that I'm carrying is a boy. Of course I'm not. I'm thrilled. But that doesn't stop people from asking. And I'll be honest, when I posted that blog, I assumed that some people would have a negative response to it. Normally, I try not to step on peoples' toes and I avoid writing about things that people could find upsetting. But this had to be said. If people believed that they had the right to ask me that (and the nerve, quite frankly) then I definitely had the right to tell them to stop.

And I did receive some negative responses. I got a few messages from people that implied that I was wrong for posting about it and that I was wrong for telling people to stop talking to me that way. And you know what? I disagree. A very important lesson that I had to learn the hard way was that people are going to treat me the way that I let them treat me. And guess what? I'm not going to let anyone talk to me that way and I'm sure as heck not going to let anyone say that my son is not good enough. That will never happen. So by me posting that blog, I was finally making a step forward and standing up for not only myself but for my son.

When my son is growing up, I will be his advocate. There will be times when he will be too young to make his voice heard or make sure that he isn't taken advantage of. And you know what? It'll be my job to be his voice until he can use his own. And that is a responsibility that I am more than willing to take. But learning to stand up for myself was the first step because if I can't stand up for myself, how can I stand up for him? Or how can I teach him to stand up for himself?

I've never wanted to be the type of person that would ruffle feathers or say anything that could potentially unsettle others. I thought that I was spreading the message of tolerance and compassion. But apparently what I was telling people was "I won't make you uncomfortable but you're allowed to make me uncomfortable". And one of the first times that I use my voice, in that post, people had negative responses. But I'm not going to apologize for standing up for myself or my son. So if anyone is holding out for that apology, (sorry, not sorry) but it's not going to happen.

Now that I'm pregnant, I see the world differently and my priorities have shifted. My husband and I are no longer the center of my universe. Everything I do and every choice I make is now about my unborn child. I realize everything that I'm going to have to protect my child from and I will not let people treat my child the way that I let myself be treated. Everything has changed.

There is a scene in Broadway's Beauty and the Beast where Belle tells her father that she's changed. She said it was "no change of heart, a change in me". And I never really thought about what that meant but I think now I understand it. At my core, I am still the same person and I still have the same morals and values that I've always had. But there has been a change in me, one that I'm really proud of. I'm no longer going to let people hurt me or affect me. I'm going to use my voice, for myself and my son. I'm never going to let anyone ever make me feel bad for what I feel or what I think. I'm still going to be myself but I'm going to stop being afraid of speaking up. So, in the words of Belle, there's "no change of heart, a change in me". I'm so glad that I finally made it and I'm so much stronger now because of it.

-Chelsea

Life Lesson #2

I've always been the type of person that tries to see the good in people, no matter what. If someone only showed me their negative traits, I would try really hard to find some positive ones. I refused to believe that they weren't more than what they were showing me. I believed this so hard that even if someone proved to me over and over again that they weren't good for me, that I would still give them more chances. I didn't like giving up on people. But I had to learn the hard way that sometimes, you have to take people at their word and realize that not every relationship that you have with someone is healthy.

Life Lesson #2: When someone shows you who they truly are, you gotta believe them. 

During my senior year of high school, someone new came into my life. We had a class or two together and I'd never met her before. But once she met me, she clung to me. It all happened so fast. One minute, I was just a classmate. The next minute, she was asking me to be her college roommate because we both wanted to attend the same college. Honestly, this freaked me out a bit but I gave her the benefit of the doubt because I'd just met her. I didn't want to pass judgment too quickly.

Not long after this, I discovered that many of my friends, and one in particular, absolutely hated this girl. They warned me to stay away from her and told me that she was a snake. At first, I just brushed it off. I barely knew the girl and had no intention of spending any time with her anyway. But this girl learned where I hung out and eventually made her way into my life. She wasn't my favorite person but I found myself constantly justifying her behavior or words. I convinced myself that even though she was pushy, clingy, bossy, judgmental and full of herself that she was a good person. I ignored all of my gut feelings.

I didn't have the guts to tell her that I didn't like her and didn't want to be her friend, so I just put up with it. She eventually came to think that we were best friends, even though I didn't feel the same way. My friends were angry that I was spending so much time with her and trying to force a friendship that I knew couldn't last. But I so desperately wanted to believe she was a better person than she was.

But a hard dose of reality hit me when I told her that I couldn't hang out with her one day because I wanted to be with my boyfriend and she turned on me. After that, I was given the cold shoulder and things got out of hand. She threatened my sister, talked badly about me in front of my mother, started spreading lies about me around the school. It got so out of hand that her boyfriend, who was my boyfriend's friend, didn't want to hang out with us anymore because he didn't want to be in the middle of it. So I learned that I should've heeded the warning signs. I should've walked away when I had the chance. It would've saved me a lot of wasted time and heartache.

But she never hid who she was. She was upfront and honest about that from the beginning. I let her mistreat me. I let her cause tension between me and my friends. I let her take my time away when I didn't want her to. All because I didn't listen when she told me who she was. We haven't spoken in years and we've both moved on with our lives. And it's all for the best. As much as I didn't enjoy this experience, I can't say that I fully regret it because it taught me a valuable lesson. I won't make that mistake again.

So please don't get pulled in like I did. Don't convince yourself that someone isn't who they say they are. If I had listened, things would've turned out a lot differently. But, all the same, I'm glad that I learned that lesson early in my life. It would've made things much more difficult had I learned it at a later point. All I can say is that now that I've learned it, it's a lesson that I hold onto. The only thing that I try to focus on now is knowing who I am and being true to that. People are complicated but that doesn't mean that they hide their true selves. Their true selves are out there in the open. We just have to open our eyes and let ourselves see them. Trust me, it'll help you a lot in the long run.

-Chelsea

Life Lesson #1

In my last post, I discussed 24 life lessons that I've learned in my 24 years. I thought that it might be interesting to walk down memory lane and discuss how I learned those lessons. 

Life Lesson #1: No matter how hard you try, not everyone is going to like you. 

I grew up with a lot more insecurities than I'd like to admit. I was constantly fighting an internal battle. I wanted everyone to like me so badly that it ate at me when they didn't. That's not to say that a lot of people didn't like me. Looking back, I realize that the problem was much bigger in my head than it was in reality. But after a while, I realized that I was constantly jumping through hoops trying to make me people like me, no matter what. I was wasting precious energy trying to force relationships that weren't going to happen and didn't need to happen. I was searching for the approval of others when I should have been focusing on self-love and self-care. 

I always thought that the world was black and white and that everything about it was crystal clear. When I realized that wasn't true, it shook my reality quite a bit. I realized that things weren't so cut and dry and that things aren't always what they appear to be. I thought that if people didn't like me, it meant that I was a bad person or that I didn't fit in. But that wasn't true. 

I had to learn that the world is full of a variety of different people and personalities. And sometimes, of course, those personalities can clash. Not everyone is meant to have chemistry or relationships with everyone. And that's perfectly fine. My self worth shouldn't have been tied to how many friends I had or how many people I thought liked me. It didn't matter anyway. I was bending over backwards trying to get people I didn't like to like me, just because I thought that's what I needed. But their approval wasn't going to fill that void or emptiness that I was trying to fill. That could only be filled by me and my own self love and approval. 

It saddens me when I look back on my life and realize how much time and energy I wasted by trying to get other people to like me. In the grand scheme of things, it doesn't matter. The people that do matter are my friends, my family and myself. They are the only people that I need to concern myself with. Relationships can't be forced and at the end of the day, nobody can give you the peace or happiness that you can give yourself. Life is hard enough without you trying to make it even harder. So spend your time and energy focusing on what really matters and everything else will fall into place. You can't control the thoughts, feelings or opinions of others. But you can control how you spend your time. Use it wisely. 

-Chelsea