Learning to Let Go of My Anxiety

I haven't been shy when it comes to talking about my anxiety on this blog. It's a problem that I deal with every day and I've been working for years to try to overcome it. And for the first time in my life, I feel like I have somewhat of a handle on it. That's not to say that it's gone because it isn't. But I feel like I'm moving in the right direction and learning how to silence its voice.

My mother said to me earlier today that I sound a lot calmer than I used to and to be honest, I feel a lot calmer, too. My recent therapy sessions have helped me immensely but to be honest, I credit a lot of my progress to my son. A few weeks after I had him, I developed post partum depression. It only lasted a few weeks and it didn't progress as much as it does for some women (thankfully). But during the first few months of my son's life, I didn't get to experience the constant joy and euphoria that women often describe after giving birth. I loved my son and I loved being with him. I was so happy to have him and so happy to be his mother. But I couldn't shake the feelings of sadness, hopelessness and shame that I felt.

During many of his naps, I would sob and berate myself for not "snapping out of it". I was in a rut and over time, those feelings subsided. At first, I was embarrassed for being so emotional and eventually that turned into sadness because I realized how many moments of happiness that depression took from me. Now, when I look back on my son's first few months, I won't only remember his first smile or first laugh. I'll remember the sadness that consumed me, as well as the joy.

Once I recovered and realized just what was taken from me, I realized that I also didn't want anxiety to take anything else from me. Anxiety has caused me so much heartache over the years and I've lost countless hours of my life worrying about things that never happened. Having my son has shown me not only how beautiful life is but how quickly it goes by. And even though I've always wanted to get rid of my anxiety, I've never wanted it more. When I look back on his childhood, I don't want to remember panic attacks and endless worrying. I want to remember being present in every moment and letting go of any needless worries. I want to remember happiness, not anxiety. So I'm not only doing this for me. I'm doing this for my son, too.

That's not to say that it will be easy but I'll take it one step at a time. I believe that it's possible to live in a world where anxiety isn't pulling my puppet strings. I once told my therapist that I feel like anxiety is holding me prisoner in my own mind. She told me, "Chelsea, you might be in a prison. But you're not the prisoner. You're the warden and you have the key. You have the power to unlock the door and let yourself out." Those words have stuck with me and every day, as I work harder on conquering my anxiety, I get one step closer to the door.

Whenever I feel like my anxiety is forcing me to do something that I don't want to do, my mother asks me, "Don't you just want to be happy?" It's amazing how simple statements can have a profound impact on you. I do want to be happy. I really do. And my anxiety not only hasn't allowed me to be happy but it's told me that I don't deserve to be happy. But that's not true. I do, just as much as anyone else. I realize that anxiety can be crippling and at times and you might feel the weight of the world on your shoulders. But I promise you, you have the strength inside of you to come out on top. Therapy has helped me immensely. It's given me the tools to fight back, when before I was unarmed. The journey doesn't happen overnight and I'm still on it. But when the destination is happiness and a life without anxiety, it is worth every second.

My anxiety has been with me for so long that it almost feels like it's just part of my personality. I often have to remind myself that it's not. It's not part of me; it's just something that I live with. During this past year, I've really come to know and love myself. And one thing that I've learned is that I'm not my anxiety and my anxiety doesn't define me. I have so much life ahead of me and the knowledge that anxiety doesn't have to be a part of it is comforting and freeing. And I can't wait to see who I become without it. One day, when someone asks how I'm doing, I'll be able to say "happy" instead of "anxious" and that knowledge keeps me going.

Forgiveness

Being humiliated, embarrassed, taken advantage of and wronged by other people gives us a lot of time for self-reflection. We think about how we could've handled everything differently and how we should've seen the warning signs. Or we think about how much we hate the people that did this to us. But trust me, as tempting as it is, hating someone isn't worth your time or energy. Life is too short to focus on the bad experiences that come into our paths. 

When I'm scrolling through social media, I see a lot of posts saying things like, "I hate people" or "I'm never leaving my house again because people are out there". Seeing things like this dishearten me. Yes, there are bad people in the world and some people will treat you poorly. But I can also promise you that those same people can be you best teachers. And I speak from experience when I say these things. It's unrealistic to think that you'll live a perfect life with little conflict or trouble. But it's not unrealistic to learn from those experiences and come out a stronger, more positive person. 

I've had to learn the hard way that forgiveness is for yourself, not the other person. The person that hurt you is out there living their life, not thinking about you, while you're wallowing in what they've done. It simply isn't worth it. I've had to work through a lot and go through a lot of therapy to forgive the people that have deeply hurt me. But it's been incredibly freeing and uplifting. Don't misunderstand me though, forgiving someone doesn't mean that you think that what they did was okay; it just means that you're not going to let their behavior hang over your head every day, affecting your life. You deserve to be happy and to have that weight lifted off your shoulders. 

I used to be a very unforgiving person and I held a lot of grudges. I didn't give second chances and I thought the world was a dark place. But as I've gotten older, I've found so much light and positivity in the world that most people don't see because they're not looking for it. Life is hard for everyone, of course, but we don't need to make it even harder on ourselves by holding onto grudges or negativity. We're not born all-knowing or indestructible. We hurt, we bleed, we get embarrassed and we suffer at the hands of others. But more importantly, we learn, we grow stronger, we find happiness and we love. All of your problems won't fade away simply by learning to forgive or love but harnessing those things will make it so much easier for you to focus on living your best life and maximizing your potential happiness. 

We can't grow without discomfort or pain. Our comfort zones can only protect us from so much. We can't control the actions of others but we can control how we react. I'll be the first to admit that learning to accept life's hardships or what was done to me by others wasn't always done with grace. But it's something that I'm embracing and working on every day. As cliché s it might sound, you never know how strong you are until being strong is the only choice that you have. You'll be amazed by the amount of strength and resilience that's inside of you once you've been pushed. So... 

To the friends that faded away once I announced my pregnancy

To the people who've repeatedly lied to my face

To the people who've taken advantage of my generosity

To the people that made me feel less than worthy

To the people that pretended to be my friends 

I'm grateful for you all. Without you, I wouldn't have become the person that I am today. I wouldn't have shifted my focus towards forgiveness and positivity. I wouldn't have learned just how much I'm capable of. If I hadn't cried those tears or healed those scars, I wouldn't have been able to see the beauty that comes from pain. I wouldn't have pushed myself to become a better version of myself. So thank you. Thank you for teaching me that I deserve better. I now know that and better yet, I forgive you. 

-Chelsea 

Would My 14-Year-Old Self Be Proud of Me?

Earlier today, I was catching up on my podcasts and decided to listen to Dax Shephard's interview with Kal Penn. During the interview, they posed the question, "Would your 14-year-old self be proud of you?" And ever since they said it, the question has been floating around in my mind.

When I was growing up, I had a very clear vision of what I wanted my life to become. I wanted to go to college, get married, have kids young and publish a book. At 26 years old now, I can say that I've done all of those things. So, from that standpoint, I think that my 14-year-old self would be very proud of me. I checked all of the boxes and did everything that I wanted to do.

But I don't think that those things are what 14-year-old me would be the most proud of. If I'm being honest, when I was younger, I had a very negative view of the world. I thought that life was something that I just had to "get through" and I was often called a pessimist. I didn't see everything that I was missing out on and I held onto a lot of traits that ended up being toxic to me in the long run. I was a good person but I wasn't the best version of myself. But I'm working on being that person every single day.

When I was 19 years old, I started seeing a therapist that I absolutely loved. I still go in for a session every now and again and I feel better every time. I'm putting the time and effort into learning about myself and how to overcome my negative traits or thoughts through books, lectures, research and inspirational podcasts. I'm doing my best to see positivity in the world and to leave the world a better place than when I got here. I wrote a book where I allowed myself to be truly vulnerable for the first time in an effort to help anyone that reads it connect to it and hopefully feel a little better about themselves. I'm trying to be the best mother that I can be and set the best example possible for my son. When something terrible happens to me or someone hurts me, I don't hold onto the resentment anymore. I try to practice empathy and look at things from the other perspective. I don't allow myself to play the victim or dramatize scenarios to try to extract sympathy from others. I've put up boundaries to protect myself from people that don't have good intentions for me. And I'm no longer settling in friendships because I learned the hard way that you are the company you keep.

Am I proud of all that I've accomplished? Of course. When I look at the family and life that I've created for myself, how could I not be? When I hold my college degree or my book, how can I not beam with pride? I worked hard for them and I deserve them. But if you asked me what I'm the most proud of myself for, it's the fact that I've grown. In the last few years alone, since I've opened myself up to change and growth, I've become a much happier person. I'm learning to let go of toxic traits and learning that my happiness is just as important as anyone else's. I've learned my triggers and searched deep within myself to try to understand who I am and why I feel the way I do. I'm trying to learn these lessons young to save myself years of toxicity or misery down the road. I can't go back and change the past. I can't give myself the chance to learn these lessons earlier. I can't make life easier for my younger self. But what I can do is make life easier for my current and future self. What I can do is be who I wish I was when I was 14 and strive to make that girl proud every single day.

So, would my 14-year-old self be proud of me? Absolutely. But what's even more important to me is that 26-year-old me is proud of me, too.

-Chelsea

I'm Still a Writer

Ever since I had my son, the majority of my day is spent watching him and playing with him. When he goes down for his naps, I usually do housework or edit something for a client. So that doesn’t leave a lot of time for myself or writing. Don’t get me wrong, I love spending time with my son and I love that I have the ability to stay home with him. But I’m not going to deny that I miss being creative.

Normally, the only time that I have to write is at night, after I’ve put my son to sleep. But I also have to balance spending that time with my husband. So, we normally spend some time together talking or watching a TV show before he goes to sleep and I stay up to try to write. But unfortunately, lately, nothing has come out. I haven’t had a lick of inspiration lately and it’s been killing me. I spend hours looking at the computer screen, Microsoft Word open, and nothing happens. Sometimes, I try to force myself to write and it only makes it worse. Writing is my favorite thing to do in the world. It’s my passion. Forcing myself to do it makes it a chore and that is the last thing that I want. But in order to write, I have to have something to say. Otherwise it’s meaningless.

But not writing has put a strain on myself. In fact, I don’t feel like myself at all. There are days where I wonder if I can even call myself a writer. If someone asked me who I was, I’d say that I was a writer because I feel that in my soul. But can I even be considered a writer if I haven’t written anything lately? And what I’ve forced myself to write isn’t up to my standards? It feels like I’m going through an identity crisis. I want to show my son that you can have it all. You can have a job, a passion and a family. Society likes to tell us that we have to pick and choose which ones we want and sacrifice the others but I don’t believe that’s true. You can have it all and so can I.

Right now, I’m trying to hold onto the hope and the certainty that inspiration will find me again. The pressure to write has already found me but I don’t want that to distract me from what’s really important. Writing makes me feel whole and when I write, I feel like the best version of myself. And it’s incredibly gratifying to present that version of me to the world, vulnerability and all, and say that this is me.

I think that there is a stigma with stay-at-home moms. Some people believe that it isn’t hard, draining or crazy at times. Trust me, it is. I have an incredibly well-behaved baby and I know that all in all, my life isn’t difficult. But I also know that I need to be reminded most days that I’m more than just a housekeeper. I may not be the same person that I was before I had my son. I think I’m even better, honestly. Becoming a mother has allowed me to open up my heart in an entirely new way. Knowing the unconditional love between a mother and her child has made me a better person and I’m so grateful every day for my life’s biggest blessing. But I don’t want him to just see me as his mother. I want him, and the world, to see me as a writer.

And honestly, I’d like to see myself that way again, too.

Yesterday, I was watching an interview with George R. R. Martin and he was asked about his best writing advice. He said, “Write like nobody is watching because they aren’t.” It was such a simple statement but it held a lot of weight. I realized that the pressure I’ve been feeling has only been brought on by me. Nobody else is sitting around waiting for me to publish another book. Nobody has been waiting by their laptops, dying to read my next blog post. Everything has been on me. Hearing Martin say that felt like a weight was lifted off my shoulders. It reminded me that writing is a process. It’s not easy. If it was, everyone would do it. And it reminded me that when I’m inspired, no matter by what, that I should take it as far as I can because I can and that’s the fun of writing. I can push the boundaries because I choose to, because I want to and better yet, because I’m inspired to.

So I’m going to keep going at it every day because I literally can’t imagine doing anything else. I'm a writer and I always will be, no matter how long it takes inspiration to find me again.

-Chelsea

Soul-Searching

Over the past year, I've done a lot of soul-searching and I truly believe that I've made tremendous strides towards becoming the person that I want to be. I'm trying to educate myself as much as possible so that I can see the world more clearly, as well as my relationships with others. And in learning about myself, I've also learned a lot about my friends and family.

I've learned what my limits are and that setting boundaries is important. I've learned how strong I am. I've learned that my unconditional love for another person isn't a free pass for them to treat me badly. I've learned that ignorance isn't bliss. I've learned that my love for someone else isn't a tool for them to manipulate me with. I've learned that when you see red flags in another person, you should listen to the warnings. I've learned that if people want to be involved in your life, they'll make an effort to do so. And as a mother, I've learned just how much you can love a person and that there's nothing I wouldn't do to protect my child and their feelings.

I've always been a very sensitive, passionate person. I wear my emotions on my sleeve and when I hurt, it nearly cripples me. But as I've been soul-searching, I've discovered a strength inside myself that I never knew was there. I realized that I didn't have to keep putting myself through emotional turmoil every time that I felt another piece of my heart break at the hands of someone else. I realized that I didn't want my happiness or sadness to be at the mercy of another person's actions, as they had always been.

And I finally understood that the reason that the cycle kept going was because I kept using love as an excuse. If someone showed me any sort of kindness and said that they loved me, I kept hoping that eventually, all of their behavior towards me would be positive. But that wasn't the case. That love conveniently only showed itself after that particular person hurt me; it was a way to show me that they weren't a bad person for what they'd done because they loved me.

But I realize now that although I feel unconditional love for my family and friends, it isn't an excuse to keep allowing myself to be swallowed up by guilt, pain, anxiety or self-doubt. People aren't perfect and I'm certainly far from it myself. But I now recognize that it's okay to cut people out of my life or love people from afar. It's not fair to me or my child to be around contagious negativity. I need to lead by example, so I can teach my kid how to be strong and recognize what true love actually is. I heard a quote today that said, "If you say that you respect love, you must also respect its limits" and I couldn't agree more. My unconditional love for the people close to me is unlimited but if I need to impose limits upon it, I am now prepared to do so.

-Chelsea

Black Roses

I've always been the type of person that gave people multiple chances, even when they didn't deserve them. I was so loyal to them that I'd find a reason to let them stick around. That, coupled with a very low self-esteem that made me want to hold onto all of my relationships, has caused me to stay in very toxic relationships and friendships for far too long. I'd find excuses for their behavior. I worked so hard trying to find a reason to keep their friendship that I ended up working harder than they did to deserve being in my life. And now I'm finally saying that enough is enough.

It's not enough that I've forced myself to stay in these toxic relationships. I think society/the outside world definitely plays a part in it as well. They say things like, "You can't cut your cousin out of your life. They're your family. They're your blood." Or, "You can't cut your best friend loose. You've been friends with them for 10 years. Doesn't that mean something?"

And I'll tell you, of course it means something. But I've also learned that things run their course and when it's time to let go, it's time to let go. Holding tightly onto something that doesn't want or need to be held down anymore only ends up causing more pain in the long run. I've learned that blood doesn't make someone your family. Someone can be blood related to you and treat you like garbage. So nowadays, a blood relation to someone does not make me see them as my family. My family members are people that love and support me no matter what and would do anything to make sure that they never cause me pain. I consider my best friend Kelsey family more than I consider some people that are actually related to me. It takes more than blood. It takes loyalty, unselfishness, caring, love and work to keep a relationship strong. And she has/does all of those things and more.


And as far as years of friendship, that doesn't always mean that they were good years. How many years you were friends with somebody doesn't count when it's struggle-love. When I was younger, I was best friends with someone for years. But when I look back on our relationship now that I've grown and matured, I realize how toxic our friendship was and I shouldn't have put up with her crap for as long as I did. I let her criticize me. She looked down on me. She stayed in her friendship with me because it made her feel good about herself. And I made excuses for her behavior. Over and over again. Just like I've done my whole life.

"Oh yeah, so-and-so hurt me for the 100th time but they didn't mean it."
"This person bullied me but they're family, so I have to forgive them."
"This other person didn't stick up for me when I really needed them but it's okay. We've been friends for a while."
"She always puts her happiness first and never considers what I want. But what I want isn't important and I can't be selfish."
"Sure this person hurt me but I don't have that many friends. I can't afford to lose this one, so I better just not say anything."

The list of excuses I've come up with for people could go on and on.


Everyone that knows me very well knows that I am not good at conflict at all. I tend to avoid it at all costs and I let fear of another person's reactions deter me from sticking up for myself. I always swallow whatever I'm feeling and push it down deep inside of me. Until it festers up and ends up exploding out of me. But I don't want anyone to see me as passive or weak or scared. I don't want my anxiety to prevent me from living the life that I want to live or from going after the treatment that I deserve from other people. I've always hoped that people would respect me the way that I've respected them. But it seems that from certain people, I'd have to demand it and that's not how respect should work. This isn't the image of myself that I want to project to people and it's certainly not who I want to believe that I am.

So I'm done being the one that picks up the pieces of every broken relationship and tries to force them back together. I'm done believing that everyone who is related to me cares about me. I'm done believing that everyone deserves multiple chances to prove that they deserve to be in my life. I'm done hoping that toxicity in my relationships will go away on its own or if I ignore it. I'm done making excuses for people. I'm done thinking that putting myself first is selfish. And I'm done accepting black roses from people because it's better than nothing.

-Chelsea

"Be the things you loved most about the people who are gone."

The other day, one of my friends posted something on Facebook that got me thinking. She said, "Be the things you loved most about the people who are gone". It really struck a chord with me, particularly because we're living in a world where negativity seems rampant and people are constantly showing the worst parts of themselves. It scares me because that's not the world that I want my son to grow up in.

When I was growing up, I lived in a bubble. I was completely naïve to how cruel the world can be and just how hard it can be to find people that will always truly be in your corner. It really hurt when the bubble popped because I was used to the protection that it provided me. Regardless, I'm glad that my parents raised me in a way that allowed me to feel safe, loved and protected, all while believing that's how the rest of the world lived too. Kids only believe in magic and that the impossible is possible for so long. And I know that I want my son to hold onto that innocence for as long as possible. I want my son to live in a world where people choose to be the best versions of themselves and honor both the memories and the qualities of the best people that they knew.

I've only lost one person, my grandmother. I was lucky enough not to know what loss felt like until I was an adult. Unfortunately, not only did I lose someone, I lost one of the most important people in my life. My grandmother and I had a very special relationship. She was one of my best friends and we were incredibly close. I spent many weekends at her house when I was a child, I visited her as often as I could and after I moved to New York, I called her at least twice a week. She was such a presence in my life and was truly one of the best people that I knew.

Whenever I talk to anyone about my grandmother, they always sing her praises. Nobody has a bad word to say about her. They describe her as loving, generous, selfless, warm, etc. Of course, I agree with all of them. She was the type of person that welcomed everyone, the kind of person that believed that you didn't have to be blood to be family. She saw the best in people, even when others couldn't. She believed in people and stuck to her convictions. She dressed up for every holiday and found joy in life's smallest moments. These qualities stick out in my mind and always remind me that she was the type of woman that came around once in a lifetime.

She was one of my role models and still is to this day. I miss her so much and think of her often. I wish more than anything that she could've lived to meet my son. I know that she would've loved him more than anything. Being a grandmother and great grandmother were some of her greatest joys. I know that my son would've loved her just as much. I'm going to do whatever I can to help keep her memory alive, so I'm going to do more than just tell my son stories about her. I'm going to try to live my life the way she did. I want to embody those qualities that I admired so much about her and teach him the lessons that she taught me about love, life and family.

She'll not only be one of my toughest losses. She'll always be one of my biggest blessings. I can only hope that I can make her proud of the woman that I've become. And I know that as long as my family members and I keep her alive in our hearts, as well as our actions, she'll never really be gone.

-Chelsea