If you have read my previous posts or you know me personally, you know that there was a time in my life, not very long ago, that I was basically a vegetable. I didn´t move much. There were some days that I never got out of my bed. It was a very dark time in my life. I was too depressed to get the will to do anything more than turn on the TV. I was very sick, couldn´t drive, couldn´t work, etc. I felt like a complete waste of space, which added to my clinical depression and worsened my condition.
Now I´m a pretty independent person and I hate when other people have to do things for me, especially when I think that I´m capable of doing them myself. So being confined in the four walls of my apartment and basically feeling trapped was the last thing on Earth that I ever wanted to do. I wanted to go out into the world and do things like everyone else, the things that I previously had taken for granted. I wanted to shop, to work, to go to the beach but on my own agenda. I didn´t want to wait until my parents or fiance could take me and I felt like a burden.
On top of everything else that I was feeling, I was constantly looked down upon because of all of the different things that I now couldn´t do. I would clean when I could convince myself to get up and actually do something. But there was always this constant pressure and feeling of guilt when I didn´t clean. I heard things from people all the time like, ´You were home all day. What did you even do?´ or ´You don´t do anything.´ Now that may not seem that bad and in retrospect, those comments are not as mean as they could be. But when you are struggling with the will to get out of bed every day and your bones are in extreme pain because of your illness, it isn´t as easy as people would think to get up and vacuum the house every day. That wasn´t what I wanted my life to be like.
Plus, I´m a slob. I could name a million and one faults about myself and the first one that I always name is my sloppiness. Most of the time, I don´t see the point in making such a big deal about doing certain chores. Take, for example, making my bed. I´m literally going to ruin that work later that same day, so what is the point? Or when company is coming over and my mom says to clean my room. Why? Are your friends going to be spending time in my room? I don´t see the point. Even though that trait has gotten better with age, it is still there. Part of it probably will always be there but that´s just part of who I am, I guess.
But as I was coming out of my funk and I was starting to cure myself, I started doing more housework on a more routine basis. I really started to think about stay-at-home moms and what their lives are like. I have so much respect for them now because they are so much stronger than me. I don´t know how they do what they do because I know that I couldn´t do it. There is so much pressure to get so many different things done and yet, you want to do some fun things for yourself as well. For example, do you want to go out and get your nails done or do you want to do that laundry that´s piling up in your clothes hamper? You have to make a choice. You try to achieve a balance but most people just assume that you live to clean or you spend all day picking up after everyone else. Those moms are not recognized nearly enough for everything that they do.
I´m sure that some stay-at-home moms are more organized than others and some are more relaxed. That´s just normal and different people have different styles of doing the same things. But just the idea of living that life every day and doing it with a smile on their faces really puts it into perspective just how much that they really do for their families and deal with every day.
So many people think that being home all day is so cushy. Many people think the same thing about being put on bed rest. It sounds so wonderful but after a while, it just doesn´t feel like enough. I don´t mind doing things like cleaning or cooking every once in a while. But doing it every day is just emotionally draining and hard. You yearn to be a part of the world outside of the four walls of your house, to go somewhere other than your bedroom or living room.
Now that I´m doing better and I can drive and get a job, it feels like I can slowly start gaining my old life back. I´m in the process of trying to find a job but while I´m still looking, I´m still at home, holding down the fort. I still feel as if it is my responsibility to get the house straightened up before my mom gets home from work and I feel really bad if it isn´t clean. That pressure and guilt that I mentioned earlier, never went away. In fact, I spent most of my day cleaning the house before I wrote this.
My mom was a stay-at-home mom for a short while in my life and it was when I was very young. I don´t remember it that much. I do remember her telling me that it is a hard job and sometimes it´s thankless as well. Now, I can say that I partially understand it. I may have a husband but he´s away, so I don´t have to take care of him right now. I don´t have kids that I have to take to soccer practice or band recitals, so I know that I don´t understand what it truly means to be a stay-at-home mom.
But I can now say that I completely respect them. It´s not that I didn´t respect them before, I just respect them even more now. But no matter where my journey takes me and how my future ends up, I´ll remember this experience and this newfound respect.
Heck, I may even end up a stay-at-home mom with 6 kids one day, who knows? But that´s the unexpected adventure and I look forward to its uncertainty. It may be scary, it may be hard but hey... sounds like life to me.
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