Lately, I've been going through a lot of changes, which in turn, cause a lot of emotional distress. I've been feeling like even though I've already got a lot on my plate, things keep piling up and they just aren't stopping. I feel suffocated, as if there was this intense pressure on my chest which won't let me breathe. It's all extremely overwhelming and it's a lot to take on at such a young age. It's enough to make someone break. In fact, I did.
This whole separation and process of my husband going through boot camp has taken a heck of a toll on my emotions. I'm sure that it's taken even more of a toll on my husband; I can only imagine. But this entire time, I've been trying to be strong, not only for myself but for him, my family, his family, etc. It's a lot of pressure to remain composed when on the inside, I truly am going insane. There's all of this craziness going on inside of me and there is nowhere for it to escape; essentially, it's trapped.
Now, you may be thinking that I could just talk to a friend about this. I wish that were true. By nature, I'm very introverted and shy, so I have trouble keeping strong connections with my friends. I tend to latch onto one friend at a time, until that friend either decides to leave or we drift apart. I'm very loyal, so I tend to stay with one friend as long as possible; I never leave if it's avoidable.
This way of life has worked for me up until now. The problem is, now that I've latched onto Kris as my one friend and he's gone, I have no one else to go to. Nobody makes me calm down like he does, nobody understands me like he does and nobody listens to me like he does. I could dump all of my feelings on my family (and I did today) but it isn't fair to them. They've got their own lives and their own problems. They need me to be strong. (I'm sure that it helps with their sanity as well.)
So today, I broke. My emotions just took over and I lost every ounce of control that I had left. I cried and cried and cried. I haven't received any letters from Kris yet and it's been a month, the hardest month of my life. I also can't remember the last time that I talked to him on the phone. He was my person; he still is.
I felt so guilty for crying because he is sacrificing a lot more than me. Strangely enough, that doesn't make me feel much better because this is a selfish time in my life. I want him home. I want him here with me. The problem is, I know that's impossible and I know that this has been his dream since before I met him. I knew this was coming, it was just a matter of time. I just completely underestimated how hard this was going to be. Don't get me wrong, I knew it was going to be hard. I just didn't understand how hard.
So after I got my cry out of my system, I booked my flight and my hotel reservation for his graduation ceremony this August. I'm counting down the days and it makes it seem much more attainable now. I have something to look forward to and I feel better after letting out all of that pent-up emotion. Sometimes, a cry is what you really need because you are no longer holding onto that negative energy or the stress. You just have to let it out sometimes. There's absolutely nothing wrong with it. Emotions remind us that we're human and they keep us connected to the world.
Life gets hard sometimes and we are sometimes dealt things that we think that we can't handle but we can overcome anything that we are willing to try. We just have to dig deep. It just takes some heart, some effort and some strength. I know that I will get through this because of those things and so will he. It's okay to cry and I have to remember that. I'm sure that I'll be doing a lot more crying through this journey and that it will be full of many adventures and ups and downs but hey... it sounds like life to me.
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