Blog Challenge, Day 12: What I Miss

Basically, as you can probably tell, the prompt for this challenge is to talk about something that you miss. I was going to write about my husband because I miss him more and more each day. However, I have written about him in many of my past blogs, so I figured that you guys would be a bit tired of reading about that by now. So, I have decided not to write about a person, but rather a time that I miss.

I'm a really silly, fun, young and energetic person. I proudly proclaim to the world that I'm a "Disnerd", I dance in public for strangers to watch and I say whatever crazy phrases just pop into my head. I personally believe that growing up is overrated and life is too short not to have fun every single day of your life. However, after you turn a certain age, I'd say about 13 years old, it seems as if it is socially unacceptable to be silly anymore.

Let me explain. This is not to say that when you are 14 years old, that you can't have any fun. It just seems to be about that age when people start judging you for it. "Aren't you a little old for that?" and "You still play with those things?" become phrases that we hear all of the time and we start to feel as if we should change our behavior to fit the molds of society as we begin to grow up and that's where I have a problem.

I miss the time when I could say whatever silly thing that I wanted, be crazy and fun, say that I love Disney and just be myself without anyone acting as if it was strange. When you're 4 years old and you ask your best friend if they want to watch The Little Mermaid with you, it's not strange; in fact, it's normal. However, when I, a 20-year-old married woman, ask my best friend to watch that movie, she looks at me if I have three heads.

I am going to be myself no matter what. I always have been but every day, I see myself coming more and more out of my shell and becoming more proud of who I am. However, it isn't as easy or socially acceptable for me to be that person anymore and I wish that it was. So, other than missing my husband, that's what I miss, a simpler time, when I could be myself without judgement and imagination was my only limitation.

Blog Challenge, Day 11: Ten Words

The challenge for today is to choose ten words to describe yourself. It was a little bit harder than I thought because I wasn't sure if I wanted to include the negative aspects of my personality. Oh, well. Enjoy learning a little bit more about me. :)

1. Athletic
2. Determined
3. Creative
4. Punctual
5. Smart
6. Positive
7. Emotional
8. Feisty
9. Silly
10. Compassionate

Blog Challenge, Day 10: Embarrassing Moments

Now this blog challenge made me cringe as I kept thinking of all of the different embarrassing moments in my life. How would I pick one and more importantly, why would I put this topic on the internet? However, this is a blog challenge and challenges are meant to make you think and make you do tough things. So, I am going to jump in with both feet and tell you about one of my most embarrassing moments.

It was more like an embarrassing two hours, if I'm going to be honest. When I was in the 8th grade, my school put on a play by my drama teacher called, A Christmas Carol in the FCAT Style. Basically, it was Charles Dickens' classic Christmas tale but an educational version. I was the lead in the play, Ebeneezer Scrooge. I was a very dedicated actor and had been looking forward to my debut for months. However, the rest of the cast was not so enthusiastic.

I had two twin friends that were in the drama club with me that were just as dedicated as I was. One played Jacob Marley and the other played Scrooge's nephew, Fred. However, we were the only ones that went to every rehearsal, stayed late, went to school early and apparently really cared about the performance. That's how it felt, anyway.

So, the day of the play, we went through our final dress rehearsal and it was a complete and total flop! My teacher was completely overwhelmed with how terrible the play was going to be because nobody knew their cues or their lines. But the show must go on!

From the second that the play started, it all went downhill. Nobody remembered their lines, people were coming in at the wrong times, scenes were skipped and I...couldn't stop yelling at everyone. I would say my line, wait for someone to come out onto the stage and when they didn't, I would scream, "That's your cue!" into the microphone. People were coming to me backstage telling me that the audience was loving all of my screaming because they thought it was part of the play... It wasn't.

I couldn't control myself. This was supposed to be the best/biggest day of my young life but instead it was the biggest embarrassment. I can't even describe how unorganized the play was. My words just wouldn't do it justice. However, even though people did enjoy the play, I lost a lot of respect from the other actors and a lot of friendships were damaged in the process. It's something that I laugh about now but it's not something that I'm proud of.

My teacher died just a few years later and I am sorry that the play was his final impression of me. I didn't mean to behave like that. I just got so embarrassed that I lost my temper. I just wanted to put on the best show possible and make everyone proud, including him. I wish that I had been able to do that because he worked so hard on the play and he was such an amazing and inspirational teacher. I wanted to give him the performance that I felt that he deserved for all of those countless hours that he spent making us love drama. So, I not only embarrassed myself, I think that I embarrassed him and that is my biggest regret. I'm sorry, I really am.

Blog Challenge, Day 9: A Moment In Your Day

                  This was my sister and I when we went out for some much needed girl time. :)

Blog Challenge, Day 8: Advice

For this challenge, I have to give the best piece of advice that I can. When I sat down and started to think about what advice that I would tell people, a scene from Tuck Everlasting popped into my head. Winnie and Angus are out in a boat after Winnie has discovered the magical spring and she has to decide whether or not she is going to drink from the spring and live forever or not. Winnie is confused about what to do because she is afraid to die. Tuck tells her, "Don't be afraid of death, Winnie. Be afraid of the unlived life."

To me, that is the best advice that someone can give you. What the Tucks had was not life. As Angus said, they were stuck where they were and nothing about them was ever going to change, hence they could not grow and live. It got me thinking about my own life and yes, there are all things in the world that we have to do that we don't want to. That's just how life is but there have been so many times that I've done things that I didn't want to or made myself miserable, wasting my precious time on this Earth.

Basically, I've come to the realization that my happiness is important. At the end of the day, I'm the one that has to get up in the morning and like who I am and how I live my life. Nobody else does. You have one human life and you shouldn't waste it. You should follow your dreams, take risks and ultimately, live. Make sure that you always set some time away for yourself and that you enjoy your life as much as possible. I'm not saying that you will never have to do anything that you don't want to; that would be unrealistic. However, I am saying that when you have the chance to make yourself happy, take it.You are responsible for your own happiness. So grab the bull by the horns and carpe diem!

So take a piece of advice from Angus. Don't be afraid and go out and live your life to your fullest potential. As they say at the end of the movie, the narrator of the movie says, "You don't have to live forever, you just have to live." Now, log off of your computer and go live! :)

Blog Challenge, Day 7: What I'm Most Afraid Of

Although I am sure that most humans are afraid of things like snakes, heights and spiders, my biggest fear is something different and a bit embarrassing: lizards. Even though I am scared of the other things that I just mentioned, there is absolutely nothing in the world that paralyzes me more than lizards.

Now, don't get me wrong, I know that this is a completely irrational fear but that's the funny thing about fear; it causes you to think irrationally. I cannot think of a single instance in my life when lizards didn't petrify me. I don't know what it is about them, maybe it's the fact that they're creepy and crawly? Maybe it's that their skin is scaly and slimy? Just the thought of them is making my skin crawl right now.

Whenever I look outside my window and see their beady little eyes staring at me, it drives me insane, as well as the look of their claws. I don't care how small they are. I probably should never have watched Godzilla because now that's pretty much how I see them. Where I live, there are lizards that walk on two legs and run around and they are my absolute worst nightmare! I just picture them chasing me around and hissing after me.

Well, this fear is obviously something that I'm not proud of and I can't believe that I'm actually talking about this on the internet. I guess that's why this is a challenge because it was definitely difficult for me. Thanks for reading and stay tuned for Day 8!

Blog Channel, Day 6: What I Do

What do I do? Well, if I'm going to be honest, there isn't a long list of things that I do. I tend to find something that I love and stick with it. It doesn't leave much room in my schedule to find new things that interest me. Plus, normally I love what I do so much, that I don't really want to stop doing them.

However, as far as what I do to support myself right now, I have a job at one of my local restaurants. Despite my fears that I would hate the restaurant business and that I would never want to eat out again, I actually really love my job! I work at an all-you-can-eat buffet and I'm the cashier. However, there are more responsibilities than I thought I had when I got hired. I close a lot, so that means that I not only handle the money, I help stock and clean at the end of the night. However, at the end of the night, you can hear the radio better and I am able to make the night go by faster as I turn my chores into a dance party.

In my personal life, I just try to live a healthy and positive way and spread the message of living in a positive way. Whether it's blogging, writing stories, or just face-to-face conversation, I do my best to make other people happy and their lives a little brighter. Basically, I try to have a little bit of fun exploring my imagination and I try to make the world a better place as best as I can.

Blog Challenge, Day 5: My Favorite Blogger

Well, of course I can't pick myself, not that I would, of course. ;) In all seriousness, since this challenge asks me to pick a favorite, I am going to pick Carrie Hope Fletcher. Although she is known more for her vlogs on her YouTube channel, ItsWayPastMyBedtime, there is nobody else that I've found on the internet yet that relates  to me as much as she does.

She runs a blog called All I Know Now, which is still fairly new but has some amazingly wonderful posts. Carrie is one of the most influential, honest, philanthropic, talented and creative people that I've ever seen. She is an actress, singer, songwriter and writer, who uses her talent and time to spread positivity around the world and just make the world a better place, one post at a time.

Her older brother is Tom Fletcher, the lead vocalist of the band, McFly and they are extremely close. Her following is called the Hopefuls and she considers them her equals and her friends. Her best friend is Alex Day, the singer and they make collaborative videos a lot which are really wonderful and funny. Carrie also participates in a lot of his music videos.

I could go on and on about how much I love her but I could do no justice to just how brilliant and amazing that she is. Just check her out and see for yourself. I'm sure that you'll fall in love with her just like I did.

There is a link to her blog below and a separate link to her YouTube channel.

http://alliknownow.com/

http://www.youtube.com/user/ItsWayPastMyBedTime

Blog Challenge, Day 4: Your Favorite Quote

If you've known me longer than 10 seconds, you'd know that my favorite quote of all time is, "If you can dream it, you can do it" from Walt Disney. There is, hands down, no competition in that department. There is nothing in this world that can't be done; you just have to want it bad enough. The only things in the world that are impossible, are the things that you think are impossible.

Take it from someone who has done the impossible, whatever you're dreaming of may be hard but it's not impossible or unattainable. If you have thought it up in your brain and you have enough passion, drive and determination to do it, what's stopping you? I'm not saying that there won't be some speed bumps in the way but as long as you really want this dream to come true, there are ways to make sure that it happens.

I don't want to go into detail about what I did that was impossible because I'd rather use ones that everyone has heard of. For example, people said that we would never walk on the moon and we did. People said that humans would never fly and now we have airplanes. See what I mean? I could probably go on and on for days but it's not necessary. You guys get the point.

Basically, nothing is impossible and I know that. That quote, from the second that I read it, has changed my life and opened my eyes to an entirely new world of possibility. I say in my description that I'm a dreamer and I am. I dream up improbable things every day and tell myself that one day they will all be realities instead of just my dreams. (Did you notice that I said improbable and not impossible?)

 "If you can dream it, you can do it." Thank you, Mr. Disney. You are absolutely right. Thank you for giving me the confidence to follow my dreams, no matter what. Even if people are telling you that you can't do what you want, prove them wrong because there will always be roadblocks on the way to success but hey... sounds like life to me.

Blog Challenge, Day 3: Things That Make Me Uncomfortable

Now this list can be quite extensive but I'll try to condense it down for y'all. I'm not quite sure why so many things make me feel uncomfortable but I think it's because even though I love who I am, I don't carry myself with as confidence as I should. Therefore, I think that it makes me act a bit more awkward and timid than I realize at the time.

• Talking on the phone- This is without a doubt, the number one thing that makes me uncomfortable. Whether it's answering the phone or calling someone, I will put it off until the last possible minute because I dread every single second of phone calls. I hate talking to strangers, especially when I have to complain about a problem. I even hate calling people I know because awkward pauses bother me and I never know what to say to get off the phone without seeming rude or bored. 

• When someone has something stuck in their teeth or on their face- Seriously, do you tell them or is that rude?

• When you're at a store and the consultant won't leave you alone- I can't stand this, especially at the jewelry store! When my husband and I were wedding ring shopping, we felt so pressured because even when we told the consultants that we were "just looking," they crept up next to us and didn't leave our side, no matter how many times we told them to leave. It didn't matter what store we were at. They all had consultants that behaved just like that. Just leave us alone people. You're not making us want to buy anything; you're actually just creeping us out.

• At the public pool- I have a pretty nice body that I'm quite proud of but that doesn't mean that I want to see you gawking at me when I'm at the pool. If you're going to look at me, be a little more subtle about it and stop wolf-whistling at me, you perverts. 

• Awkward silence- I'm always the one that feels like they need to fill the silence and I never know what to say. Hence, it makes it more awkward than it already was.

• When you tell a joke and nobody thinks it's funny but you- This happens to me all the time. Basically, joke delivery is not my strong suit and when I get nervous, I laugh. So I end up laughing hysterically at my own jokes. 

• When people tell you TMI- When I'm at work and I'm like, "Hi, how are you today?" I'm just being nice. So when you say, "My wife ran off with the butcher and my brother hates me" what do you expect me to say to that? I just end up standing there, awkwardly and say, "That will be $10.85, please." I just end up thinking that you're crazy for telling a complete stranger your personal business without any solicitation for that information.

• When people beg for money by tapping at your car- I always feel bad when I don't give people money but the idea of someone trying to get me to open my window, freaks me out. I'm sure that I'm not the only one.

• Using public restrooms- Gross. Just gross.

• Returning products to the store- Having worked in customer service for a grocery store, I am familiar with returns and I hate them. I hate telling people why I am displeased and asking for my money back. It's just an uncomfortable but inevitable situation.

I could come up with so many more but I'll stop now just because there are so many already and I don't want to write a novel about how awkward that I can be. The only problem is that I'm pretty sure that most of these are going to continue to happen no matter what but hey... sounds like life to me. 

Blog Challenge, Day 2: Educate the World

So, as you can tell from the title of this blog, the assignment for the second day of the challenge is to educate the world about something that you know a lot about. There are no rules, so I'm actually very excited to do this one. For my topic, I am going to teach you guys the one thing that I know more about than anything in the world:

                                                               Being A "Disnerd"

As you can probably guess, the word "Disnerd" is a morphing together or the word "Disney" and the word "nerd." This is basically, someone that is absolutely OBSESSED with all things Disney and is not ashamed of it in the least. In fact, they're quite proud of it. Those who know me, know that I fall under this category; if you don't know me, you're going to find out really quickly that I do.

***Don't take any advice in here too seriously. This is all in good fun and is not legitimate advice on how to live your life. It is just an exaggeration of how I live mine.***

• First things first, buy an annual pass to Disney World/Disneyland or any other Disney parks and abuse the heck out of them! I know that I do! I didn't go more than 3 weeks without going to Disney World this past year and I definitely got what I paid for.
• Secondly, spend all of your extra money on Disney merchandise, whether it's at the parks, Disney Store, movies at Target, etc. 
• Attend every single holiday event or special events where they open the park for 24 hours or open up a new section of the park. You can even skip school if you'd like. You can go to school every day. Disney only opens 24 hours twice a year.
• This one is important: Watch all of the Disney movies so many times that you can recite all of the movies without hesitation. This is how you truly know that you're turning into a Disnerd.
• Be a part of the Disney Movie Rewards Club and use your rewards to get rare Disney Merchandise.
• Follow/"Like" their pages on all of the different social media sites and stalk them.
• Enter ALL of the competitions/giveaways.
• Honeymoon in Disney.
• Become addicted to the heaven that is Dole Whips. Seriously, eat them and they will change your life.
• Interact with all of the characters and have tough questions ready for them. Seriously, anyone can just take pictures and leave. It takes a true Disnerd to ask Prince Charming why he didn't ask for Cinderella's name all night. Haha
• Spend lots of money on character dinners.
• Go to every single park and fall in love with Disney all over again.
• Learn about Walt Disney's life and legacy.
• Now this one is another important one and I'm quite good at it: Learn so much Disney trivia that you drive your parents nuts when you keep talking about it.
• Force your significant other to love it as much as you do.
• Get proposed to/propose to your girlfriend at Disney.

This one was fun and obviously you shouldn't take my advice seriously if you're not willing to commit to the lifestyle that comes with being a Disnerd. When the challenge described the second day, they said it could be fun, serious, sarcastic, etc. There were no rules and I'm not sure which category this blog would fall under but I guess that's the fun part. Feel free to love Disney like I do but you definitely don't have to take it to the extreme that I do. Thank you guys for reading. It means a lot. Stay tuned for Day 3. :)

Sounds Like Life To Me

Blog Challenge, Day 1: My Life

While I was surfing through the internet tonight, I came across a page which presented a blog challenge. Instantly, I became very intrigued and looked into it. Being fairly new to blogs, I still have a lot to talk about before I run out of ideas. Nonetheless, I figured, why not? I'm always up for a challenge. I'll just see if I can do it and keep up with it. So, here at SoundsLikeChelseasLife, we're going to, well... learn about Chelsea's life. :)

So the challenge for the first day is to write your life's story in less than 250 words. I ramble a lot, so this should be quite difficult for me. Well, here goes nothing!

I was born in April in a very small town in the middle of nowhere and for most of my life, I loved living in a smaller community. I felt safe. I had very loving parents and they wanted more kids. Along came my wonderful little sister, Kelly, whom I wanted to mother, even though I was only four years old. I was very shy growing up and I became attached to my best friend. We were inseparable and his family became my second family. I always knew that I was different from everyone else and I struggled with that, especially when I was bullied throughout school. I turned to writing when I felt alone and fell in love with books at a very young age. I was especially into the Harry Potter books. I was also heavily involved in flag football at my local park, after being involved in a lot of other sports that I didn't enjoy as much. I ended up dating my best friend in an on-and-off relationship for a while. Eventually we grew apart, especially during our high school years because I went off to a magnet school. I eventually got a job at my local grocery store and met my husband. We broke up, got back together and 2 and a half years later, I'm an army wife. I love my job at one of the local restaurants and I run 2 blogs. Minus some details, that's basically my life in a nutshell.

249 words! I counted! Haha. I hope to one day disclose some more information to you all without getting too personal. I hope that you guys had fun learning a little bit more about me. I did enjoy this and I hope that the rest of the challenge proves to be fun as well. If you have not read my second blog, it is really new and I hope that it gets as much love and recognition from everyone as this one does, once it starts getting some momentum and more posts. It is called: youresuretodoimpossiblethings.blogspot.com. Check it out! I'd really appreciate it! Check out my new blog posts as I continue in this challenge! I hope that you all will check out day 2!

Sounds Like Life To Me

Tonight I Wanna Cry

Lately, I've been going through a lot of changes, which in turn, cause a lot of emotional distress. I've been feeling like even though I've already got a lot on my plate, things keep piling up and they just aren't stopping. I feel suffocated, as if there was this intense pressure on my chest which won't let me breathe. It's all extremely overwhelming and it's a lot to take on at such a young age. It's enough to make someone break. In fact, I did.

This whole separation and process of my husband going through boot camp has taken a heck of a toll on my emotions. I'm sure that it's taken even more of a toll on my husband; I can only imagine. But this entire time, I've been trying to be strong, not only for myself but for him, my family, his family, etc. It's a lot of pressure to remain composed when on the inside, I truly am going insane. There's all of this craziness going on inside of me and there is nowhere for it to escape; essentially, it's trapped.

Now, you may be thinking that I could just talk to a friend about this. I wish that were true. By nature, I'm very introverted and shy, so I have trouble keeping strong connections with my friends. I tend to latch onto one friend at a time, until that friend either decides to leave or we drift apart. I'm very loyal, so I tend to stay with one friend as long as possible; I never leave if it's avoidable.

This way of life has worked for me up until now. The problem is, now that I've latched onto Kris as my one friend and he's gone, I have no one else to go to. Nobody makes me calm down like he does, nobody understands me like he does and nobody listens to me like he does. I could dump all of my feelings on my family (and I did today) but it isn't fair to them. They've got their own lives and their own problems. They need me to be strong. (I'm sure that it helps with their sanity as well.)

So today, I broke. My emotions just took over and I lost every ounce of control that I had left. I cried and cried and cried. I haven't received any letters from Kris yet and it's been a month, the hardest month of my life. I also can't remember the last time that I talked to him on the phone. He was my person; he still is.

I felt so guilty for crying because he is sacrificing a lot more than me. Strangely enough, that doesn't make me feel much better because this is a selfish time in my life. I want him home. I want him here with me. The problem is, I know that's impossible and I know that this has been his dream since before I met him. I knew this was coming, it was just a matter of time. I just completely underestimated how hard this was going to be. Don't get me wrong, I knew it was going to be hard. I just didn't understand how hard.

So after I got my cry out of my system, I booked my flight and my hotel reservation for his graduation ceremony this August. I'm counting down the days and it makes it seem much more attainable now. I have something to look forward to and I feel better after letting out all of that pent-up emotion. Sometimes, a cry is what you really need because you are no longer holding onto that negative energy or the stress. You just have to let it out sometimes. There's absolutely nothing wrong with it. Emotions remind us that we're human and they keep us connected to the world.

Life gets hard sometimes and we are sometimes dealt things that we think that we can't handle but we can overcome anything that we are willing to try. We just have to dig deep. It just takes some heart, some effort and some strength. I know that I will get through this because of those things and so will he. It's okay to cry and I have to remember that. I'm sure that I'll be doing a lot more crying through this journey and that it will be full of many adventures and ups and downs but hey... it sounds like life to me.

Introverts Are Awesome

                                    Enough said. :)

Today I discovered a page on Facebook entitled, "Introverts Are Awesome" and it touched me in a way that is beyond words. If you've read my previous blogs, you have figured out that I'm different from the "socially acceptable young woman." Personally, I think that there should be no way to define who is "normal" and who is "weird" but I digress because that is something that is out of my control.

For my entire life I struggled with this feeling of inadequacy because I didn't completely understand human interaction. I liked being alone; in fact, I thrived on it. Being alone gave me time to think, relax and essentially, recharge. However, while everyone else was out making memories with their friends, I would find myself wondering why it was that I couldn't be around other people very long.

Now, I am not saying that introverts don't like other people. I cannot clearly define every introvert's personality or feelings through this shared trait. I'm just saying that these qualities were prevalent all through my young life and they still are today.

Back to the Facebook page, it posts articles, pictures and quotes that explain the traits that many introverts share and finding it made me not feel so alone anymore. I realized that, yes, I'm different, but I'm not as weird as I thought I was. I just chose to live my life this way and that was okay. I've always said that you should march to the beat of your own drummer but if I told you that I never wanted to be an extrovert, I'd be lying through my teeth. But I realize that I need to stay true to myself because when I tried to be that way, I just couldn't do it because it didn't make me happy. It wasn't who I was and I wasn't willing to change.

I liked who I was, most of the time, and didn't understand why other people didn't feel the same way about me. Sure, I was a bit socially awkward but that was because being around any sized group of people made me feel nervous, uncomfortable and like a bug under a microscope. I felt that those people could see right through me and my fake confidence, which didn't make me feel any better. In fact, it always made the situation worse than it already was.

Now, introverts are not people that sit home alone every single day and wallow in misery. Most of them like to be alone with their thoughts for a little bit and then have some social contact with a small, intimate group of friends. They are also known for being extremely creative, which probably explains my love of reading and writing books. So even though some people see introverts as weird, different, or even in some extreme cases, freaks, without them, there would be no music, books, poetry, etc. (That is not to say that an extrovert has never done anything creative. I'm just trying to make a generalized point.)

Here are some snippets from the page that I relate to:

• "People think that you're depressed but you really just like to be alone."
• "The one who follows the crowd will usually go no further than the crowd. Those who walk alone are likely to find themselves in places no one has ever been before."
• "No, I am not lost in a book. I am finding all it has to offer."
• "Don't ever accept my silence for ignorance, my calmness for acceptance or my kindness for weakness."
• "No one understands your intense dislike of talking on the phone or answering your door."

So, as you can see, I am slowly starting to come to terms with who I was and who I am. I am transforming into a woman that can be comfortable in her own skin and not care that she'd rather write blogs on a Friday night than go out to a night club with her extroverted friends. It does make me feel better though that there are people out there who understand exactly what I'm going through and that they have accepted themselves too. This world would be a lot better if people would stop judging others and they just started accepting people for who they really are.

People just need to be aware of the fact that certain people think differently than others and that doesn't make them weird or bad people. It just makes them human. Life would be boring if everyone had the same personality or everyone used the same thought processes. Slowly but surely, I think that we are moving in the right direction to get to that place where tolerance, acceptance and love are more prevalent throughout our everyday lives. We're not quite there yet, though. It's going to take some time but hey... sounds like life to me.

If you are an introvert or you are just looking for more information about introverts, here is a link to the Facebook page that I have been speaking of. Feel free to just check it out or even "like" it. :)

https://www.facebook.com/IntrovertsAreAwesome/photos_stream

Yearning

                                                            After our first kiss. :)

Today while I was at work, a whole bunch of people from the navy came in to eat. It's a special that the restaurant does once a month for them, so they all come in at once. There must have been at least 50 of them. I'm still new at work, so the sight was something very odd for me. Everyone else was so used to it that it didn't phase them. It didn't bother me though; it just made me sad.

Of course, everyone was in full uniform. Now, my husband isn't in the Navy but it made me think of him even more. I think about him all the time but it's so hard to be strong. It's hard not to break down and cry every second of every day. But I've never seen my husband in uniform because he went to boot camp after we got married and we've been separated ever since.

The thought of seeing my husband dressed like that one day is what got to me and made me tear up. The next time that I see him, he will be in full army uniform. I am so incredibly proud of him and who is he becoming while he is away. That's what has been able to get me through this.

Not gonna lie, even though I know that my husband isn't in the navy, a small part of me was hoping that he would walk through that door and surprise me. Hey, a girl can dream. Even though I know that's impossible, it's hard to think with your head and not your heart sometimes, especially with something as emotionally trying as this.

So I know that it's not smart to drive yourself nuts over something that you can't have but I couldn't help it. I kept yearning for him to come and see me and I yearn for him to be with me every night. Today makes it three weeks exactly that he's been away. So that means only seven more weeks until graduation. I wish that I could say that everything has been getting better with time but I'd be lying. If he was only staying away for those 10 weeks, then it would be a lot easier; but because he is leaving for another 9 months after that, it doesn't help much.

But every time someone asks me about him or what he is doing, they all think that it's so cool and that he is so lucky to have the job that he has. So it makes me forget, for a brief second, about the sadness and it turns back into pride. This has been the toughest thing that I've had to do and everything I see or do reminds me of him. But I have to get through it. I have to. There is no other choice.

If he is going through all of this, the least that I can do is be strong for him. It just hurt so badly today to see a sea of military uniforms and know that my husband being there wasn't an option, or even a possibility. I just wish that I could stop yearning for the impossible and be as strong as I want to be for the both of us. It's easier said than done but the same goes for a lot of other things and hey... it sounds like life to me.

You Don't Know Me

You don't know me
You think you do
But you don't

You see the tears fall down my face
But you don't understand why
You hear my voice crack in despair,
Yet you don't care to listen
My heart breaks inside my chest
And I feel myself suffocate
As you drift further away from me

You say that you want to be close to me
You claim that you want to be my friend
Yet when I pull away,
You push me further back
I scream, holler, yell and cry in frustration
But it all falls on deaf ears

You play the victim
You try to tear me down
I stumble a bit
And I fall flat on my face
But I pick myself back up,
I dust myself off,
Just to have you push me back down again

You say it's my fault
You push the blame on me
Another part of me dies inside,
As my heart breaks for you again
And I start to hate you

Your name tastes like poison in my mouth
And it stings my lips
I clench my fists at the sight of you
My whole body tenses up
I put myself on the defense,
Ready for a fight

I pretend to smile and put on a fake face
It's all an act
You fall for it each time
My arms can't seem to wrap around you,
As your touch burns my flesh
Your hugs just aren't the same

You say that you care,
Yet you don't know what's wrong
I say it's nothing and you drop it
Because when I tell you what's really wrong,
You ignore it
You push it out of your mind,
As if it was useless trivia

You say that you know me,
That you know who I am,
Yet the person you describe is someone that I used to be

I am not that girl
I was but I'm not anymore
I'm someone who is tired of holding onto this guilt,
This frustration,
This feeling that I can't say what I really feel about you

And I have to pretend to be someone that I'm not,
For you
What is it going to take to get through to you,
For you to realize that this is killing me,
That I don't have much left in me to fight anymore,
That I don't want to go away

My defenses are slowly breaking down
And I'm losing myself,
Losing patience,
Losing time to fix this before it's too late

But I don't have a choice
You have to let me be who I am
And who I want to be
Because I have a voice
And I need to be heard
I will no longer suffer in silence
I am not afraid anymore

So you can think whatever you want
You can say that you care about me,
That you love me,
That you know me inside and out
But you're wrong

No matter what you think
Or what you feel,
In my heart of hearts
And in the very core of my soul,
I know that,
You don't know me...

I wanted to do something different for this post. I normally do write about personal things but this is the most personal post that I've written so far. I feel that it's important for you guys to know me on a pretty personal/intimate basis. So this is how I've been feeling lately and I'm welcoming you guys into my brain, so to speak. :) This poem was written spontaneously and without any structure, just like I try to live a portion of my time here on this Earth because hey... it sounds like life to me.

This is an original work and nobody can use this without my permission!

I'm Different

Lettin' out my inner Snow White. :)

I've always known this. There's always been a part of me that has been different from everyone else. It used to be something that really bothered me but now, it's something that I embrace with pride. I am who I am and I love myself because of it. I would ask myself things like, "Why am I so different?" and "What's wrong with me?" It took me a long time to realize that it wasn't my fault and I am not as weird as I thought I was.

Let me explain, while most high school and middle school students go to the movies or parties on the weekends, I spent my free time reading library books and watching Disney movies on my couch. It made me happy but it also made me feel really left out because other kids didn't seem to want to hang out with me. I often felt really lonely growing up because I only had 2 really close friends. I loved those 2 friends very much but I felt very limited because when they weren't around, I didn't have anyone else.

So I would put myself down a lot and many nights, I cried myself to sleep. It took me years and a lot of therapy to learn to love myself but eventually, I was able to do it. It was one of the hardest things that I've ever had to do. To learn and to accept yourself takes a lot of soul-searching and confronting your own inner demons. After years of not only telling myself how weird and worthless that I was, it was nearly impossible for me to look in the mirror and like what I saw.

But now, I walk with confidence and I show my personality so much more. I wear my silliness, my joy for life and my 100-watt smile without a care in the world. I've never been happier because of it. I had to learn that the only people that I need in life are the people that care about and love me, like my family, my husband and my best friends. I realized that if I really wanted to be friends with and hang out with all of those other people, then I would've found a way to do just that. I wouldn't have spent my nights on my couch with popcorn watching The Little Mermaid. It was in my control just as much as it was in everyone elses'. 

I still only have a few friends and I still spend most of my nights reading library books but I love every second of it. It's just who I am. I am an introvert and I am proud of it. I would much rather be alone and be happy than be off partying somewhere with people that I don't like. Plus, now that I'm married, I know that I'm pretty perfect, even if it's only in one person's eyes. :)

Dr. Seuss has an infamous quote that has transcended time, "Today you are you, that is truer than true. There is no one alive who is youer than you.” That quote rings true, especially in circumstances like the one I have been talking about. I don't regret who I was or how I felt. I had to go through my own journey of self discovery before I learned to appreciate and love who I grew up to be. I admire my uniqueness because so many people today are sheep, people who only do things because everyone else is doing it. Learning that the fact that everyone is different and that's a good thing was extremely eye-opening but I appreciate it all the same because hey... it sounds like life to me.